As of today, it's been two weeks since I was laid off and even though I don't drive past the clinic ever day anymore, I still find myself thinking about it, the impact of driving past each day, the fact that through God's prompting and that daily image I've been pushed to sit at the computer and share with you what I've been through. I still find myself drawn to read articles as to what is going on in the world when it comes to abortion, and how they view the woman who have had them. I'm following blogs and groups that are pro-life, and watch how they handle themselves out in the world and if what they have to say is making an impact. How do we make that impact?
Now that I have my story out there to be read, I have to say what now God? Where do I take this? How do I still continue to impact people with my life? I know God has more for me to say I just have to trust that he will give me the words. So now I prayerfully wait on his prompting.
As I wait, I've been impacted by a song I've been listening to on the radio that say so much about the lies we tell ourselves, that we are not worthy of God's love and grace. But know that if you are pregnant with an unwanted pregnancy or you've had an abortion it doesn't matter, you are worthy; God will always be there with open arms ready to welcome you home.
You Are More
Lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
Christ died on a cross to redeem us from our sins. He is there to reconcile us back to God and restore our soul. Sometimes we don't find that love the first time we seek it, but you have to know that it's there, and not everyone who calls themselves a Christian knows how to show that love and mercy. But we always have to remember that each of us are human, and just like we screw up and get pregnant, and make wrong choices, they screw up and judge when they have no room to judge. We all have our junk, and your junk is not any worse than mine, it's all junk.
Scripture teaches me that it's more important that I show mercy to my fellow man than provide sacrifices for myself (Matthew 9:13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.).
For me, it's about having that relationship with God and doing my best to show that with my life, to be remade, and sometimes that is a daily challenge. I am human too and I still have junk I have to work on everyday.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
No more Fridays...
Well at the end of last week I had the unfortunate experience of being laid off. But I trust that the right opportunity will come along at the right moment, I just have to be patient. But now I've been relieved of the task of driving past the local abortion clinic each day, and the protesters each week. But this will not stop me from facing the secrets and struggles that come with abortion and the difficult choices around it.
Strangely enough on Sunday I walked into the lobby of the church to find a table supporting the pro-life stand. They had pins of little feet that represented the size of babies feet at ten weeks gestation, and those rubber bracelets with some sort of anti-abortion slogan on them, but back in the corner of the table sat a small stack of books targeting healing for the post-abortion woman. The table didn't bother me, and I was thankful for that small stack of books on the corner of the table knowing the woman who enthusiastically set up that table, likely had no direct experience of the impact of abortion. In the bulletin was a flyer requesting your help to stop abortion, but as I sat there during the early part of the service my mind was filled thoughts of what the people who set up that table would say if I stepped forward and shared my story. I found myself a bit choked up again, but I don't fear judgment from them anymore, but I wonder how much shock would come from that. Not that I have the nerve to stand in front of people and talk about this, I couldn't get in front of people and talk about anything with out a massive anxiety attack let alone talk about what it's like to face an abortion and to live with it afterwards. The pastor, one of the elders, their wives and a small number of members of the church are aware of my blog and my story, so I feel that if I spoke out it would only be some of the older members, some of whom have known me since I was a child, that would be left in shock by the information. I also feel that if I did share it could bring this issue home to the people of that church, a great many of the old members who have been at that church for many, many years suffer from being in a Christian bubble with little contact with the outside world. They do activities and meals, bible studies and services with church friends and don't make friends outside that circle. I believe that as a Christian it is my job to love those outside my church, it's easy to love those with in, they are like family to me, but showing love to people outside of that bubble is how I show others how wonderful it is to have Christ's love as a part of our lives. It's in Christ's love that true healing from abortion is found.
This has made me think about the idea of speaking publicly in churches and maybe someday I will have the strength to do so. For now I continue to share with you here.
Strangely enough on Sunday I walked into the lobby of the church to find a table supporting the pro-life stand. They had pins of little feet that represented the size of babies feet at ten weeks gestation, and those rubber bracelets with some sort of anti-abortion slogan on them, but back in the corner of the table sat a small stack of books targeting healing for the post-abortion woman. The table didn't bother me, and I was thankful for that small stack of books on the corner of the table knowing the woman who enthusiastically set up that table, likely had no direct experience of the impact of abortion. In the bulletin was a flyer requesting your help to stop abortion, but as I sat there during the early part of the service my mind was filled thoughts of what the people who set up that table would say if I stepped forward and shared my story. I found myself a bit choked up again, but I don't fear judgment from them anymore, but I wonder how much shock would come from that. Not that I have the nerve to stand in front of people and talk about this, I couldn't get in front of people and talk about anything with out a massive anxiety attack let alone talk about what it's like to face an abortion and to live with it afterwards. The pastor, one of the elders, their wives and a small number of members of the church are aware of my blog and my story, so I feel that if I spoke out it would only be some of the older members, some of whom have known me since I was a child, that would be left in shock by the information. I also feel that if I did share it could bring this issue home to the people of that church, a great many of the old members who have been at that church for many, many years suffer from being in a Christian bubble with little contact with the outside world. They do activities and meals, bible studies and services with church friends and don't make friends outside that circle. I believe that as a Christian it is my job to love those outside my church, it's easy to love those with in, they are like family to me, but showing love to people outside of that bubble is how I show others how wonderful it is to have Christ's love as a part of our lives. It's in Christ's love that true healing from abortion is found.
This has made me think about the idea of speaking publicly in churches and maybe someday I will have the strength to do so. For now I continue to share with you here.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Another Friday...
As my day job I'm an account/bookkeeper by trade. So needless to say these last few weeks have been busy with month end and year end duties that have flooded my brain with numbers, research and piles of paper. Boxing up the previous year and preparing for the next, purging the old and making room for the new.
Things finally died down at the end of this last week and as I took my daily drive to the post office on Friday I focused on them again. This week there was just couple of people, standing at the edge of the driveway. You didn't really notice them at first and if you didn't drive by every week, you wouldn't have known why they were there. They didn't hold signs, the woman had a few papers and she scurried across the street as I came around the corner toward them. He continued to stand there with his rosary in his hand; it appeared that he was there to pray. This time as I drove past, I said a prayer myself. For the ones in the clinic, the ones there to make a choice, for the babies that would not know this world, for the pain that will follow those choices.
I had the opportunity last week to watch a special on MTV that had a panel of three young women discussing the choice of abortion. Two of the young women had, had an abortion and the third was thinking about having one. In spite of the words coming out of their mouths the two young woman who were post-abortion, they were both plenty emotional. They claimed that their choice was for the best, but they had trouble holding it together. One also claimed to have trouble being around her sister's child, that was something that was difficult. If she is feeling those kinds of feelings now, then what will she be feeling as time goes by? They provided a hotline number at the end of the program, but everything was based on if it was the right thing at the moment, not about the good of the unborn, or what an abortion would do to the mother after the fact. The third girl was considering an abortion so she could provide a better life for the child she had recently had.
I have to ask, if she goes through with it, what will she tell her child about the sibling it will never know? I know that was one of the hardest and things to face for me once it was out, for them to know that there was another. Did they ever question if I ever thought about aborting either of them, do they blame me for my choice, and do they ever wonder what it would have like to have another sibling?
I'm thankful that people are starting to have dialog about abortion, even if it's not from a perspective I agree with, at least it has started. I believe that the more open we are about it, the better chance woman will have with choices they make.
~~~~~~~~~~
I had the opportunity last week to watch a special on MTV that had a panel of three young women discussing the choice of abortion. Two of the young women had, had an abortion and the third was thinking about having one. In spite of the words coming out of their mouths the two young woman who were post-abortion, they were both plenty emotional. They claimed that their choice was for the best, but they had trouble holding it together. One also claimed to have trouble being around her sister's child, that was something that was difficult. If she is feeling those kinds of feelings now, then what will she be feeling as time goes by? They provided a hotline number at the end of the program, but everything was based on if it was the right thing at the moment, not about the good of the unborn, or what an abortion would do to the mother after the fact. The third girl was considering an abortion so she could provide a better life for the child she had recently had.
I have to ask, if she goes through with it, what will she tell her child about the sibling it will never know? I know that was one of the hardest and things to face for me once it was out, for them to know that there was another. Did they ever question if I ever thought about aborting either of them, do they blame me for my choice, and do they ever wonder what it would have like to have another sibling?
I'm thankful that people are starting to have dialog about abortion, even if it's not from a perspective I agree with, at least it has started. I believe that the more open we are about it, the better chance woman will have with choices they make.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year
Well the holidays have finally passed and with the onset of the new year brings talk of resolutions and reflection. I'm not big on resolutions, they just become one of those things that can become failures and I can do enough damage in that area with out setting myself up for more.
But when it comes to reflection, I'm all over that. When I found myself compelled to start a blog several months ago I never dreamed that it would bring such peace to me. To be able to verbalize the penned up hurts and scars of abortion. To connect with others who struggle with this issue. Having it open doors with others about the lasting effects of abortion, and help others that would otherwise might have been prone to be judgmental see that the judgement I placed on myself would be damning enough. This has even started conversations about providing ways to help others who question the choice they made find healing too.
So in my reflection, this blog is proving to be one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I can only hope that if you have been reading my blog that it would cause you to seek to be informed and have compassion for those who struggle with post-abortion recovery. If you are post-abortion, or what ever your your demons are, there is healing in a relationship with God, and support when you allow yourself to be open with others. To know that there is love and grace for all of us. If you are facing a unwanted pregnancy know that their are others that have gone before you who can help, and this blog is a safe place to ask questions, get support, and I will help anyway I can, just email me.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for joining in my journey. Many blessings to all of you in the new year ahead. May the journey continue...
But when it comes to reflection, I'm all over that. When I found myself compelled to start a blog several months ago I never dreamed that it would bring such peace to me. To be able to verbalize the penned up hurts and scars of abortion. To connect with others who struggle with this issue. Having it open doors with others about the lasting effects of abortion, and help others that would otherwise might have been prone to be judgmental see that the judgement I placed on myself would be damning enough. This has even started conversations about providing ways to help others who question the choice they made find healing too.
So in my reflection, this blog is proving to be one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I can only hope that if you have been reading my blog that it would cause you to seek to be informed and have compassion for those who struggle with post-abortion recovery. If you are post-abortion, or what ever your your demons are, there is healing in a relationship with God, and support when you allow yourself to be open with others. To know that there is love and grace for all of us. If you are facing a unwanted pregnancy know that their are others that have gone before you who can help, and this blog is a safe place to ask questions, get support, and I will help anyway I can, just email me.
Thank you for reading, and thank you for joining in my journey. Many blessings to all of you in the new year ahead. May the journey continue...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Fear & Faith
It's a little after five in the morning on Christmas morning. With no kids in the house, it's peaceful except for my husband adding wood to the fire and working on his computer, and the stirring of the dogs. This is a first for us, to have a time of quite reflection before the chaos begins.
In just a few hours my boys will be arriving with their wives for some family time with us before they head off to other family visits and Christmas celebrations. Then we will have my parents and other extended family arriving to join us for dinner and family time for the afternoon and early evening.
So now, while I have a little time I want to share a story with you. A story of an unexpected pregnancy, story of faith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two thousand years ago there was a young woman named Mary, and she was engaged to be married to Joseph. The families were preparing for the wedding, they were preparing for their life together, and the family they would raise.
Joseph was a successful carpenter in the area and was considered a righteous man among his peers when he began to search for a wife; he would have been a good catch for any of the girls.
As he evaluated the girls in his area, there was something about that girl Mary; she seemed to stand out above the rest. She had a good family, she shared his faith in God, and she was the one!
Mary and Joseph's belief in God would be in the foundation of their upcoming marriage.
As the wedding drew near, something happened to Mary. An angel appeared to her and told her that God had found favor with her and she was going to become pregnant and carry the Son of God. (Matthew 1:18)
If Mary lived today what would she have said at that moment? Excuse me, what did you say?!?! I'm a virgin, and you are telling me that by the Holy Spirit, I've become pregnant with the Son of God? You have got to be kidding me! What am I going to tell my parents, how am I going to explain this to Joseph? Will he even marry me now? Will I have to go on welfare, or continue to live with my parents? You know there's that clinic down in town; they seem to know how to deal with this stuff, maybe I should check it out, act like this never happened....
Well back in that day, this was something that would have brought great disgrace to the families and especially to Joseph (some things haven't changed that much). So when he was told the news of Mary's condition, he had some choices of his own to make. So much for his status in the community, what would the guys down at the carpenters union say? Did she really cheat on me? What was so special about that girl Mary?
So Joseph began work though his hurt and anger, to question what should he do? He decided that a quiet divorce from her was his best solution. He did love and care about her, so this solution would avoid exposing her to public disgrace, but as he considered this an angel appeared to him as well, and told him to not be afraid to take Mary home as his wife because the baby she carries is from the Holy Spirit. That she will give birth to a son and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save the people from their sin. (Matthew 1:19-21)
Mary and Joseph were extraordinary people of faith, faced with a difficult task. As I've attended Christmas services I had the privilege of witnessing a song performed in sign language by my daughter in law that moved me very deeply that I want to share with you. It reflects the questions that Mary might have had all those years ago and how she trusted God in all the confusion.
I'm sure that most of you are at least somewhat familiar with this story, and I have to ask myself what would Mary and Joseph have done if there had been clinics and doctors available to them? If there were yellow page ads of all the places you could go for your freedom of choice? Would they have chosen to terminate this pregnancy, to hide this strange event, to not interrupt the plans that they had been making? To say we didn't ask for this, we don't have the money, we don't want to shame our families, to say I'm not ready for kids yet, this doesn't fit into our plan, for Joseph to say "this isn't my son"...how many excuses do we make when we are the ones faced with an unexpected pregnancy? Are we afraid, yes, was Mary and Joseph afraid, I'm sure they were. I'm also thankful that they did not allow the fear to overtake them, they chose to have faith and accept God's plan for them to raise this special child that would change the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know that when I was faced with my unplanned pregnancy, that I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with the fear of being a disappointed to my family and to God, and having my abortion only brought about a different kind of shame and guilt that has been much more painful then if I had brought that child into this world. I'm sure I would have faced shame in exposing my behavior to my family, but that time would have passed as the child grew and became part of our lives. Now I live with the knowledge of my behavior and the knowledge of never knowing that child in this life which I believe is much worse.
Thankfully I have the faith now to know that I am forgiven for those acts, and have the grace and love of God to shield me. I also have the faith that some day I will meet that child in heaven.
I pray that you all have a Blessed Holiday.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Apologies
To my Dear Blog,
This has proven to be a crazy holiday season for me, so I'm sorry I've neglected you this past week I've been over whelmed with thoughts of many things that I want to share with you, and I'm working on something special to share with you before Christmas arrives.
I pray that each of you are finding joy as the days pass by, that you are being blessed by the encounters you have and that God is in working in you life.
Last night I had to drive close to 20 miles to downtown Portland in work traffic to rescue my mom and her husband with a flat tire. We were blessed to have a very sweet couple take them into their home, fix them hot chocolate and visit with them until we could arrive, which was close to an hour thanks to all the traffic. You never know when someone, a stranger, could reach out and bless you with the simplest of gestures such as a hot drink and a warm place to wait.
For me life is lived in the simple things, watching movies with friends, lunch at Wendy's after Church with fellow church members (because we are to broke for anything nicer). It's about finding blessings in those little bits of time, and knowing that it doesn't take anything expensive or grand gesture to be a blessing. The words of a song that moves you, or a smiling at a stranger and watching them light up because you acknowledge them as a human being.
They say this is a time of giving, ask yourself how you can give something that costs little to nothing and yet would mean a great deal to someone and especially a stranger. To exert yourself outside your comfort zone and think beyond all the shopping and commercialism that goes with this time of year.
Go for it, and if you get a chance to come back here, share your stories with us of what happened, and how it impacted you, I would love to hear about it.
Blessings to each of you, and I will be around soon.
Coral
This has proven to be a crazy holiday season for me, so I'm sorry I've neglected you this past week I've been over whelmed with thoughts of many things that I want to share with you, and I'm working on something special to share with you before Christmas arrives.
I pray that each of you are finding joy as the days pass by, that you are being blessed by the encounters you have and that God is in working in you life.
Last night I had to drive close to 20 miles to downtown Portland in work traffic to rescue my mom and her husband with a flat tire. We were blessed to have a very sweet couple take them into their home, fix them hot chocolate and visit with them until we could arrive, which was close to an hour thanks to all the traffic. You never know when someone, a stranger, could reach out and bless you with the simplest of gestures such as a hot drink and a warm place to wait.
For me life is lived in the simple things, watching movies with friends, lunch at Wendy's after Church with fellow church members (because we are to broke for anything nicer). It's about finding blessings in those little bits of time, and knowing that it doesn't take anything expensive or grand gesture to be a blessing. The words of a song that moves you, or a smiling at a stranger and watching them light up because you acknowledge them as a human being.
They say this is a time of giving, ask yourself how you can give something that costs little to nothing and yet would mean a great deal to someone and especially a stranger. To exert yourself outside your comfort zone and think beyond all the shopping and commercialism that goes with this time of year.
Go for it, and if you get a chance to come back here, share your stories with us of what happened, and how it impacted you, I would love to hear about it.
Blessings to each of you, and I will be around soon.
Coral
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thanksgiving
As we past our annual season of Thanksgiving and move into the Christmas season I've spent some time thinking about things that I am thankful for.....
A God who can see past all my faults and still love me
Christ who saves me
Hope for healing and forgiveness
My husband who has stood by me through many dark times
A good relationship with my Dad
My two son's that I'm very proud of
Friends who I can be open and honest with about who I really am
A great church family that stretches far beyond the immediate church we attend
My golden retriever
Having a home
Our wood stove with a toasty fire going on a cool evening
Being employed
Pumpkin milkshakes and Christmas cookies
People who have taken the time to read my blog and supported me in the process
And so much more, I am very blessed
A God who can see past all my faults and still love me
Christ who saves me
Hope for healing and forgiveness
My husband who has stood by me through many dark times
A good relationship with my Dad
My two son's that I'm very proud of
Friends who I can be open and honest with about who I really am
A great church family that stretches far beyond the immediate church we attend
My golden retriever
Having a home
Our wood stove with a toasty fire going on a cool evening
Being employed
Pumpkin milkshakes and Christmas cookies
People who have taken the time to read my blog and supported me in the process
And so much more, I am very blessed
Sunday, December 5, 2010
My name is Coral, and I've had an Abortion
As the first night of the Post Abortion Class drew closer, I found myself full of anxiety and fear; who would be in the class, what would they think of me, I had been in church leadership in one way or another for many years, would I still be allowed to do that once this was out?
I had been telling myself that I had been forgiven, I had made amends to God, maybe I didn't need this class, and this was for woman who hadn't dealt with their sin. It was a struggle to bring myself to that first class, I would reason with myself as to why I did and didn't need to attend this type of class, but in the end I am ever so thankful that I did go.
The first night was the hardest, to be in that building, to have someone see me walk into that office where we were going to meet. But once I walked into that door of the building there was a relief of seeing others, some in leadership like me heading to different classes, doing what they needed to do with sin in there lives. To take something from our past and maybe even our present and be able to give it to God, and say I can't do this on my own, I need help letting go. Regardless of when that sin occurs, as long as we hold onto it and never accept God's forgiveness, grace and mercy we will never be free from it.
The things I learned in this class went far beyond just the healing from the abortion; it changed my life in how I deal with many things, regrets, grief and how I react to others who are struggling with sin and pain in their lives. When we get the chance to face challenges and come out on the other side we are changed, and working though the guilt, grief and pain will bring you to a new place in life.
When the availably of the class was announced we were not asked to sign up or make any public commitment that we were going to attend, so I had no idea as to who would be there other than the gal leading the class and myself. So with all my apprehension I walked into that room to find two other attendees who I could see were just as nervous as I was to be there. We all made brief introductions, I had seen these other woman at church, but really didn't know them, but this class would change all that.
We spent a little bit of time talking about how we felt being in the class, given a book that we were going to work through together and spent time reading the introduction of the book. There were flashes from each one of us that we wanted to bolt from the room, we were still not sure we were ready to face what we had done head on, but we all agreed to be back the next week with the assignment of reading and completing the exercises in the first chapter of the book.
There were some tears shed that night and there would be many more as we painstakingly looked at the aspects around our choice. Hugs were shared as we departed and a very heavy weight had begun to lift, only slightly at that point, but it was lifting just the same. The hardest part was over; walking through that door and in front of those woman say "My name is Coral, and I've had an Abortion".
I had been telling myself that I had been forgiven, I had made amends to God, maybe I didn't need this class, and this was for woman who hadn't dealt with their sin. It was a struggle to bring myself to that first class, I would reason with myself as to why I did and didn't need to attend this type of class, but in the end I am ever so thankful that I did go.
The first night was the hardest, to be in that building, to have someone see me walk into that office where we were going to meet. But once I walked into that door of the building there was a relief of seeing others, some in leadership like me heading to different classes, doing what they needed to do with sin in there lives. To take something from our past and maybe even our present and be able to give it to God, and say I can't do this on my own, I need help letting go. Regardless of when that sin occurs, as long as we hold onto it and never accept God's forgiveness, grace and mercy we will never be free from it.
The things I learned in this class went far beyond just the healing from the abortion; it changed my life in how I deal with many things, regrets, grief and how I react to others who are struggling with sin and pain in their lives. When we get the chance to face challenges and come out on the other side we are changed, and working though the guilt, grief and pain will bring you to a new place in life.
When the availably of the class was announced we were not asked to sign up or make any public commitment that we were going to attend, so I had no idea as to who would be there other than the gal leading the class and myself. So with all my apprehension I walked into that room to find two other attendees who I could see were just as nervous as I was to be there. We all made brief introductions, I had seen these other woman at church, but really didn't know them, but this class would change all that.
We spent a little bit of time talking about how we felt being in the class, given a book that we were going to work through together and spent time reading the introduction of the book. There were flashes from each one of us that we wanted to bolt from the room, we were still not sure we were ready to face what we had done head on, but we all agreed to be back the next week with the assignment of reading and completing the exercises in the first chapter of the book.
There were some tears shed that night and there would be many more as we painstakingly looked at the aspects around our choice. Hugs were shared as we departed and a very heavy weight had begun to lift, only slightly at that point, but it was lifting just the same. The hardest part was over; walking through that door and in front of those woman say "My name is Coral, and I've had an Abortion".
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Finding the beginings of healing from abortion
As I've passed through life, grief and stress relating to the abortion has surfaced from time to time; but it was around ten years ago when I first really began to find healing from it all. Mind you, I said "began", it had taken several go rounds to bring me where I am today. I will not say I'm healed, or I'm recovered, I can say that I am finding peace and forgiveness in the process.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We had become involved in a new church in the area that was a different from the churches I had attended during my life. We met in a middle school cafeteria, all of our equipment and supplies arrived in a trailer each week and we would unload, set up, have services, tear it all down, load it all back into the trailer and do it all again the next week. The pastor road a motor cycle and the worship leader had done time in prison. It was not your everyday dress up in your Sunday best, be on our best behavior and go to church kind of place, we came in our jeans and sweatshirts and worked hard to provide a service for others. They preached out of the bible the same way our other churches had, but this church wasn't filled with judgment, it was filled with real people with real lives and struggles.
The event that brought that home to me the most occurred during a regular Sunday service, one of the woman in the church who I knew, but not closely got up to share her story. From the podium she introduced herself and proceeded to tell us that she had had an abortion and that through God's grace she was forgiven. She stood there in a room of a couple hundred people and she openly shared her pain and struggle with what she had done, and how she found healing. After service dozens of people lined up to hug her and thank her for her honesty and strength to share something so private. I too stood in that line, and I was able to say "me too".
For me, that was a tearful, pain surging first step. That was the first time that I was able to feel like I could be forgiven, that there might not always be condemnation and shame. There were others even within the church, that had done what I had done and struggled like I struggle.
It was a couple of years after that day that the church had moved into a permanent facility which allowed for activities beyond the Sunday morning services, which triggered the beginning of an outreach program in the form of recovery programs. As part of their programs they had support for Alcohol and Drug Recovery, Sex Addiction Recovery, Divorce Recovery and yes, Post-Abortion Recovery.
The class was a group of three of us, the gal leading the group, with myself and one other gal who worked through the book provided and began to take steps to find healing for our choices. We had one woman who attended a couple of times but she was not at a point where she was ready to face what she had done. When they announced that there was going to be a class on this topic, I saw gal in her early 20's with tears running down her cheek heading for the lobby. I followed her out of the church to the curb and we talked about her pain and that she was thinking about going to the class but she like the other woman was not ready and she never made it to the class. I could only pray that she did go to one of the other classes that were held later.
It was during that time that my eyes were truly opened to the volume of woman who chose the road of abortion and were faced with guilt and shame just as I was, and didn't know how to face it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The public outcry against abortion has quieted in the last decade or so, we've stopped hearing about it in the news, the burning of clinics and loud news worthy protests seemed to have faded into the background. There are people still speaking out against abortion, and you still hear about it in the news from time to time, or it comes to the surface when politicians are willing to venture into the waters of pro choice/life arena, but all in all it has become the norm, an accepted form of birth control. But the poorly informed choices for unwanted pregnancies and the aftermath of suffering woman like myself seems to still go on today. How do reach these woman, how do we help in the healing process, how do we prepare them before they head into those clinics?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Reflection #7
This has been an interesting week and have a couple of things to share with you...
A friend brought into work the ultra-sound of her baby a couple of days ago. It was a typical shadowy image, but I was amazed at what I saw. The doctor told here that she was eight weeks and four days along, and in that image you could distinguish the head and the shape of the nose clearly in the image, and when the ultra-sound was performed they were able to hear the heart beat.
And yet it is legal for woman continue to go to clinics around the world and end the life of a child that is a cute little peanut (the mom's name for her new baby) with a face and a heart beat.
I do understand all to well the trauma of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy, but as I look back now it might have been different a outcome if I had know what I know now. For me, my life has always been laced with a personal relationship with God, but I don't think it takes a religious view to see that sweet little face in that ultra-sound and not know that the "lump of tissue" in that image was a child.
As I've continued to do research for my blog I stumbled across the attached video of super model Kathy Ireland, and was impressed with what she had to say.
http://vodpod.com/watch/1528667-kathy-ireland-on-abortion
Over the last several weeks I've also been able to deal with the issue of forgiving myself. As I sat in church a few weeks ago our pastor was speaking about friendship, and during that sermon he talked about forgiving our friends. He made a point of sharing the importance of giving forgiveness to others and in that process to not pick back up the offence and use it against them after you have granted them forgiveness.
So with that in mind I had to examine myself and asked myself that if I've accepted God's forgiveness, if I've forgiven myself, then I need to not continue to pick up the offense and keep using against myself in the form of guilt, shame and condemnation. So I've chosen to put down those things and move on. I will never forget the child I gave back to God, nor the circumstance of my abortion, but I no longer need to beat myself up over it.
My choice now is to use this experience to help others who face the choice of what to do with an unwanted pregnancy, or woman in my shoes who have experienced abortion and are trying to cope with the emotions that have welled up inside themselves. If you are one of those women, know that I am praying for you, and know I welcome being contacted by you either here on the blog, or in an email.
A friend brought into work the ultra-sound of her baby a couple of days ago. It was a typical shadowy image, but I was amazed at what I saw. The doctor told here that she was eight weeks and four days along, and in that image you could distinguish the head and the shape of the nose clearly in the image, and when the ultra-sound was performed they were able to hear the heart beat.
And yet it is legal for woman continue to go to clinics around the world and end the life of a child that is a cute little peanut (the mom's name for her new baby) with a face and a heart beat.
I do understand all to well the trauma of an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy, but as I look back now it might have been different a outcome if I had know what I know now. For me, my life has always been laced with a personal relationship with God, but I don't think it takes a religious view to see that sweet little face in that ultra-sound and not know that the "lump of tissue" in that image was a child.
As I've continued to do research for my blog I stumbled across the attached video of super model Kathy Ireland, and was impressed with what she had to say.
http://vodpod.com/watch/1528667-kathy-ireland-on-abortion
Over the last several weeks I've also been able to deal with the issue of forgiving myself. As I sat in church a few weeks ago our pastor was speaking about friendship, and during that sermon he talked about forgiving our friends. He made a point of sharing the importance of giving forgiveness to others and in that process to not pick back up the offence and use it against them after you have granted them forgiveness.
So with that in mind I had to examine myself and asked myself that if I've accepted God's forgiveness, if I've forgiven myself, then I need to not continue to pick up the offense and keep using against myself in the form of guilt, shame and condemnation. So I've chosen to put down those things and move on. I will never forget the child I gave back to God, nor the circumstance of my abortion, but I no longer need to beat myself up over it.
My choice now is to use this experience to help others who face the choice of what to do with an unwanted pregnancy, or woman in my shoes who have experienced abortion and are trying to cope with the emotions that have welled up inside themselves. If you are one of those women, know that I am praying for you, and know I welcome being contacted by you either here on the blog, or in an email.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A guys side of things
I said in my first post that I was going to tell the story of a young man who was touched by abortion. You might think I’m going to talk about my husband and the abortion of our child, but no; this is the story of a young man that was gathered around the campfire that night in my “Breaking news” post. The young man in this story was not just one of the youth at the campout; he is my youngest son, Mark. He was not only touched by facing the fact that he had another sibling that he would never know in this life; but it was only a couple of years after that night that he was faced with the abortion of his own child.
They began dating on a choir trip they both attended during spring break of his sophomore and her freshman year of high school. They had been dating over a year when she became pregnant.
She didn’t want to be pregnant, and her parents didn’t want to deal with shame of a pregnant daughter; nor did they want her or their lives altered with a child at that point. We had a meeting of both sets of parents with the two kids to talk about what should be done, but regardless of me telling them of my abortion and the effects it had, they were set on the course they intended to take, and off to the clinic they went.
He wasn’t excited about the idea of being a father at that point in his life, but he didn’t want to see the life of the child taken either. I remember him stretched out across his bed, me sitting on the edge trying to comfort him as he cried. He lost a child that day, and I lost my first grandchild. It was a very difficult time for both of us and it created a bond between us that few will understand. They did manage to date for another year after that, but things deteriorated and came to an end.
When the topic of abortion as had come up since then, if he was in the room, I could see the tears well in his eyes and the constriction in his throat. His struggle is different in the fact that she made the choice and his opinion was not going to matter, he was not the one who thought it was a good idea, and he still felt the loss.
Like with my abortion, not much had been said over the years, but we’ve talked more since I began the blog, and he told me he’s more affected now when he sees a child of the appropriate age and thinks that he could have a child that age too. We have stayed in contact with the girl’s family, and we know that she married and just recently gave birth to her second child. He said her life doesn’t bother him, but he has asked the question “How is she doing herself?” Now that she has children, does she think about their child?
This fall we have attended the football games of boy whose parents we are friends with, and there son happens to be about the age of what Mark’s child would have been. Mark is close friends with the dad, and I’ve noticed he takes great care to be around the boy and support him. He has always been good with kids over the years and has always gone out of his way with them, but I think there is an extra soft spot for this boy.
Even though Mark was only 17 at the time, I think he would have been a great dad and he will be one day when the time comes. I can’t help but be a proud mom to see the young man he has become and thankful that he was willing to let me tell his story.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Liz & Kara
During the summer between 5th and 6th grade my parents moved us 8-10 miles to be closer to my father’s work which forced a change schools for me. It didn’t take long for me to meet Liz and establish a close friend that I did everything with. Her parents had a small farm and we spent many hours with her brother hanging out in their barn, tormenting the animals (yes you can ride a pig, it’s not real happy about you doing it, but it can be done), riding their Shetland ponies, hanging out in the hay loft and doing chores. We had many a sleep over and if I was not at her house, she was at mine.
The following year the two of us headed off to junior high together. We stayed best friends during 7th grade, but we mixed it up with new friends and mix of new activities that came with being out of elementary school. One of those new friends we made that year was Kara, she was the girl that everyone wanted to know, especially the boys. She was very beautiful, long silky dark brown hair, rich brown eyes, and she had a very sweet spirit about her. I questioned why she was friends with us we were just a couple of average girls in school and she was one of the popular girls. But that didn’t seem to matter to Kara, we didn’t spend allot of time together, but enough to consider her a friend. We sometimes had lunch together, and we chatted during open time in classes, she was just an over all nice girl who happened to have good looks and popularity on her side.
Liz and I had two really great years together before my family made the choice to move to Seattle
Even after I got married I would find time to come and hang out with Liz on our trips down to see the family. We would still disappear off to her room, sit on the bed and talk for hours. I told her about the abortion and all the details around it. She was the closest person I had, the one who would not judge me for what I had done.
A couple of years after I was married I got a letter from Liz while she was in college, and she had been with a guy and had ended up pregnant. She knew I had had my abortion and seemed to be okay, so she decided that an abortion was going to be her solution too. He was not a guy she could see herself with long term, nor did she want to deal with being a single mom, or have to deal with telling her parents, so off to the clinic she went.
The clinic she went to was different than what I had experienced, and it was to cause of her crossing paths with Kara again. After my procedure I was released to go home with little regard to how I was doing, Liz was put in a room with other women who also just had the procedure, to recover. There was a row of beds along the wall where there were left to get their strength back before leaving the clinic. It was there in that recovery room that she saw Kara. She was still beautiful, but she had grown hard, her sweetness had been taken away from her. The two old classmates had a chance to chat a little as they rested, a bit of catching up on where their lives had taken them, but nothing to serious, they both knew why they were there at that clinic which told enough of a story in itself. At one point the doctor came in to the recovery room to talk with Kara (so much for privacy rights back then). The doctor proceeded to tell Kara that because she so many abortions that if she had another, she would never have children. After the doctor left little was said between the two.
It was hard to believe what I was hearing; beautiful, popular Kara was using abortion as a birth control. That was very sad news. They didn’t exchange info that day, they didn’t stay in contact, and they chose to not remember that day as the day they ran back into each other.
Liz went on to complete her classes at college, marry a great guy and have two wonderful children. We stayed in contact for many years while our children were growing up, comparing notes and tracking achievements with our kids. But as the years passed each letter and phone call became further and further apart. I ran into her parents in Office Depot a year ago and was able to get a good phone number for her and gave her a call. As crazy as it was to run into her parents that day she was just across town at her husbands soccer game, so I headed for the field and had the chance to spend over an hour with her. Some things never change; we fell right back into step as if we were 13 years old again talking laughing and crying over where our lives had gone. Her grown children stopped by to see some of the game while we visited and I had the chance to see them and her husband which was nice too. But we have changed, we made plans to get together a few weeks after that which never paned out. I’ve sent a few emails her way and have gotten a couple text messages from her, but we have moved on with our families and new friends. Maybe one of these days we’ll find the time to get together and really catch up.
Over all these years we never talked about how our abortions affected us. It became something that was not talked about; there were more important things in life to dwell on over the years. So now I question as I write these words, how is she doing? I think it’s time to find my beloved old friend and check in.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Breaking news
It was during a summer youth camp out; my husband and I were chaperone/cooks for the event held for the youth group of the church we were attending. We were all sitting around the campfire, under the safety of darkness and the evening has taken a serious mood, members of the group were asking questions, sharing stories, questioning life itself. The kids had reached that point were they were willing to ask the questions they couldn’t ask their parents.
There was something about that night; something that seemed to push me to tell these kids about the consequences that come from sex outside of marriage, to confess to them that I had had an abortion and the pain that came with it. I was over taken with emotions of the group, the trust they had, and the willingness to be venerable.
Before I thought it through, the words were coming out of my mouth, not realizing the consequences of me letting out the secret I had been holding on to. There was several other couple attending the event helping with the chaperoning, as well as around 20 kids including my two sons that were all gathered around that fire that night. As it turned out, it wasn’t any of the adults in the group that I had to worry about, as all of this information poured out of me I didn’t click to me that my boys were in that group, they had no knowledge of the abortion and that they would have had an older sibling.
It only took seeing the tears streaming down their faces in the dim light of the fire to shock me back to the reality that I had just exposed them to a great deal of pain. Amazingly to me, everyone in the group seemed to come around us, seemed to want to support us. As we sat there, they faced emotions of grief and loss for this sibling they would never know. At that point I couldn't focus on what the others would think of me, but on my sons and the difficult news that they had just heard.
It had never occurred to me that telling my sons would affect them as strongly as it did. I’m very sorry that I never sat down with them privately to tell them, but in some ways I’m thankful we had to strength of the group to affirm that we would be okay and that the child was with God. From that point forward, they thought differently about abortion, they understood what that kind of loss could be like. Everyone in the group left the comfort of that camp fire affected.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Reflection #6
Today feels different for me. As I've been working on this project, many different levels of emotion has touched me. But today leaves me thinking about my child, not the people around me or the emotions that may be overwhelming me at the moment.
In the heat of the religious out cry a song circulated around and still can be found on the internet by Ray Boltz that for many years would cut me to the core. The song asked the question "What was I supposed to be?" That was a question that I've asked about my child many times, and I ask that question now, knowing that my child would have turned 30 this past year. But now as I look across those words, I only feel a wave of sadness and disappoinment for not having the chance to know that child, or see the life they would have lived.
What was I suppose to be (Lyrics)
Jesus walked upon the earth,
On the shores of Galilee ,
He'd say to His disciples,
Let the little children come to me,
I wonder if up in heaven,
Do you suppose we'll see
little children asking
what was I supposed to be.
What was I supposed to be,
What were my eyes supposed to see,
And why did I taste of death
before I even drew a breath,
Laid my head at my mother's breast, to sleep.
Oh Jesus,
Was I to be a prophet
used in the ministry,
A doctor who would find
a cure for some terrible disease,
Even if I'd been born imperfect
why couldn't my parents see,
That I'd have been made perfect
when you came back for me.
Oh Jesus,
Oh Jesus, what was I supposed to be,
Oh Jesus, what was I supposed to be.
The attached video is a bit long, but the message of God's love, forgiveness, hope and mercy touched me very deeply. I know that some of what she says is difficult to listen to, but I pray that you might be touched by her words.
Gianna Jessen from LMF CAM on Vimeo.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Feeling the pressure
When I first meet my husband, Sunday mornings were spent getting his kids up, fed, dressed, and putting them on a retired school bus that belonged to a local church in the community. The church would take this bus full of kids to Sunday school and return them home a couple of hours later, which would mean brief periods of peace and quite for us. On Mothers Day in 1980 I remember the kids getting off that bus and running to me, each with a rose for me. It had been over a year since I had attended church on any regular basis myself. There was something about that moment that touched me, something that reminded me that there was someone outside my circle of friends and family that cared for me that I had turned my back on. I knew that somehow I had to restore my relationship with God.
It wasn’t long after that day that I threw out the idea of us going to church as a family. My husband had grown up in the church just like I had, so it didn’t take too big of a push to make the decision to start spending Sunday mornings as a family going to church.
We made the choice to go to the church I had been attending previously with my parents and brother (the one that was not willing to marry us a few months earlier), but now as a complete family they welcomed us with open arms. When the delivery of my first son drew close they held a huge shower for me, will piles of things I would need for a baby, including a dozen beautiful homemade blankets. This new church family was very special to us, but they could never know the shame I carried around with me from the abortion. Would they still be so warm and welcoming if they knew? I asked for God for forgiveness, but I wasn’t prepared to receive that forgiveness back then, and I was far from being at a point that I could be public with it either.
We remained at that little church for over four years until the economy of the time forced a job loss and relocation to Oregon
We managed to find new churches when we moved, but once again I could only allow people to get just so close to me. I would skim over the details of how we meet, and how we got together. We would joke about the fact that he married the babysitter, but we never told people what really happened back then. I would build friendships with ladies in the church, but none really knew what was hidden on my underbelly.
In the early 80’s we began to hear the cry out from the churches in general against abortion, and the condemnation of those involved in it. It seemed that at every turn the news reported another rally or clinic bombing. On several occasions through the churches we were asked to participate with rallies, including one in downtown Portland
These events seem to only seem to further cement me in my guilt, shame and seclusion. Sometimes it would cripple me to tears on the couch, the fear of them knowing, they would never do what I had done.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Babies and the post abortion experience
After the wedding we had discussed the fact that his older children were 5 & 6 years old already, we didn't want to wait to have kids. If we were going to have children, we wanted them to be as close in age as possible, so we made no attempts to use birth control after the wedding.
It was only a few months after the wedding before nature took its course and I was pregnant again, and nine months later at the age of 18 I gave birth to my son. He was a happy healthy little boy that was my total joy. I had gone through a rough 26 hour delivery with him, and we made the decision that enduring that once, was going to be enough. But during that time Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) was on the rise and in all the news, so we felt out of caution, we would wait until our son was a year old before we finalized our ability to have any more children.
A year had passed, and an appointment was set for my husband to render any additional growth to our family. Our son had safely grown past the danger period for SIDS, and we were happy with having three children to raise. But to our great surprise before he could get to his appointment, I found out I was pregnant again.
I carried my son very low in my first full term pregnancy, and this second pregnancy was totally different. I carried the baby high, and my symptoms were very different then my first time around. I was surrounded by many friends and family that were sure I was going to have a girl this second time around, including a baby shower that was all pink. At that time, ultra sounds were expensive and were only used if you were having a high risk pregnancy and so you really had no idea as to when the baby was coming, or what sex it would be. But with all the "signs" we picked out a girls name, packed pink outfits and blankets to bring the baby home in, and we were sure we were going to have this wonderful balanced family, two boys and two girls.
I was 20 years old when went into labor with my second child, still full of hope and expectations as to what is was to be a mother of what now was to be our fourth child. That day I was faced with the realization that rather than the girl that we had been anticipating, we now had another son which came with allot of disappointment. We had to quick pick a name while we were there in the hospital, and send someone home to get something that was not pink for him to come home in (not that he would have known the difference). I knew I loved this child, it just wasn't the same as my first son, or how I loved the old two children, but there was something brewing inside me that didn’t feel the same.
Not long after returning home from the hospital, my husband came home to find me sitting on the couch, holding the new baby, crying and deeply grieving. After some time of me trying to pull myself together, I was able to tell him what I was feeling.
Somewhere in my young head, I felt like I was being punished for ending the life of my first child. That the child I gave back to God was my girl; that I had given up my girl. I struggled for sometime with that idea; that I needed to be punished for what I had done. My husband was the only one who knew what was going on with me; I had to work through these feelings on my own. No one talked to me before the abortion about the fact there would be a chance I would grieve the life of that child or that I would struggle with my roll in that abortion. There were no support groups to turn to; no one to help me through the fact that I would have guilt, shame and remorse for my choice.
As my youngest son grew, my love for him grew; and I realized that instead of being punishment, this child was a gift to me. He may have been an Oops, guess what we are pregnant again, but he turned out to be part of my gift of grace.
Even though I found my way though this wave of grief, this was not the end of my grieving for my first child.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The wedding
A wedding pulled off in two weeks notice would prove to be challenging enough, but when you are only 17 years old, it comes with an additional collection of complications. If you are under that age of 18 you are required to have parental consent, and a traditional church wedding was not going to be a slam dunk either.
With the decision to be married, I talked with my mom, and she had to go with us to the county court house and sign the consent forms. In spite of the excitement of the prospects of getting married, it's a weird twist to take your mother with you to the court house to get your marriage license. There was no resistance from my family that I chose to do this; I think they were beyond trying to control me at that point.
With that out of the way the location and pastor were the next to be picked...well that didn't go so well. I wanted to return to the church I had been attending before everything broke loose, so we paid a visit to the pastor, assuming it was just a matter of making the arrangements. Pastor George was the only one who seemed to notice that I was still a girl looking to marry a 30 year old man. His instructions were for me to move out and wait six months. Well, that was not going to fit into “our” plans, so we headed for the next best thing the local wedding chapel with a justice of the peace.
He had a hand me down vintage 1920's swallow tail tux that required us to pick up a few missing parts at a antique store, and I found a Gunne Sax vintage style dress and hand made my veil, with all the details in place, off to the chapel we went. The chapel was a converted living room in the justice’s home. We dressed in a spare bedroom, and everyone crammed in. It was a small civil service, with bouquet in hand my Dad gave me away, family from both sides managed to attend (including my grandmothers), with a small reception back at our apartment, with a home made wedding cake. My maid of honor was a good friend from high school, but she wasn't 18 either, so I had to have my cousin sign the marriage certificate as my witness. It was far from the wedding of my dreams, but thinking about it now, it was a pretty bright spot in those difficult years, and some of those pictures are still worth a good laugh.
So now being married, it somehow made things right again in my world. I'm sure some of you are wondering what happened to that 17 year old girl, married at such a young age, how did the story turn out? Well strangely enough, by the grace of God, 30 years later we are still married. I'm sure it's to the surprise of that pastor who all those years ago was not willing to marry us, and I'm sure to the surprise of my family at times too.
So regardless of how difficult this road has been for me, he as been beside me all the way, he has kept his promise to make it right. It has been far from easy, with many bumps and hills along the way. But I feel fortunate to have things where they are now. I know I didn't understand what it meant to love or be loved back then, but I think we have figured that out after all these years. I could say that it would have been great if it could have happened differently, but all these experiences have made me who I am, and has given me the family I dearly love.
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