Coming full circle

Well, she has arrived.

As I headed for my truck to drive to the hospital yesterday, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions (not that this is anything new). But as I thought back on what I went through as a young mother after my abortion, and the emotions that left me ragged and spent, struggling with how I felt about my abortion, how I hurt for my son when his was child being aborted. Yesterday there was no pain, no struggle, but overwhelming joy as this new life has been brought in this world. To see my son hold his daughter and look contently at her leaves me with tears streaming down my face knowing that God has blessed us with life, in spite of screw-ups we make if we just trust him.

So with all toes and fingers accounted for, a clean bill of health, here is our beautiful new girl with her parents. Weighing in at 7lbs 6oz and 20.5 inches long, Olivia James is our blessing.

Daddy with his little girl. He's a goner!

Yes I am this cute!

The best place on earth, mommy's chest.

Ten perfect little toes

And yes, my Daddy is that silly!
He's pretending to eat my brain....
.really, I have 18 more years of this.

Who I am becoming

Yesterday our pastor preached on how to communicate with our spouse, and upon reflection I learned something about myself. I realized that I'm a Fight or Flight person, I don't know if that is an actual thing, but for me from an early age my life was filled with being in a reactive state, my father retreated quietly to situations, and my mother might chase me through the house with a wooden spoon. So I struggled with finding balance in behaviors, knowing how to work through difficult situations, and looking back now I see that as a teen my behavior escalated as things began leading up to my parents divorce, I retreated to fight or flight, and in those years it was flight the majority of the time. Avoid the arguments, avoid the tension around the house, avoid dealing with what I was feeling. But all that avoidance festered into an ulcer I fought with for many years until a time after being married and moved past those difficult times. but by that time I established a fight/fight pattern that I have been using my entire life.


So when I discovered I was pregnant the first time, again it was flight that surged through my decision to abort, run from the shame, run from the acknowledgement of my behavior. Many things drive us abort, and sadly enough we don't get the chance to see what is driving us until long after that time has passed. I think as women, an unwanted pregnancy brings out the fight or flight in all of us. Do we fight for that life, or do we run from it? For many years the sight of abortion protesters brought out my automatic flight response. It was my need to fight against that flight urge that brought me to the day I began to blog.


As I emerged as an adult, I moved away from the flight mode in many circumstances and I found my fight response in many situations or with certain people. I find myself now automatically going into fight mode even when there is no form of threat to me, and I've created an environment of tension that was my own doing. I realized that I've lived in a constant level of anxiety with everything around me. How we handle the situations is a reflection of who we are, but we have the opportunity to change that about ourselves.


It amazes me to look at myself now, and know that I use fight or flight in every decision I make, in the words that come out of my mouth, in how I've treated people around me, even over the smallest of things, and without thinking about what caused my reaction. Today my goal is to change that pattern, everything in life is not fight or flight, some things just are, and I don't need to feel panic or stress over every thought. God gives us peace if we will only accept it. Today I realized that I have not accessed that peace enough. 


The Bible is very clear regarding this in Matthew 6:25-34

 "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting , so you can respond to God's giving . People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. (The Message version)

Today I will focus on letting things just "be", I know that God will handle the details, and I just need to be obedient, and relax. Driving past the abortion clinics don't cause tears to rise up in my eyes anymore, the urge to flee have passed, and I now need to let go of the  many other areas and people in my life that trigger the automatic fight/flight response and give them to God. I know that recognizing this is not an instant fix, I know that this will take time for me to work through a deep seeded response, but today I accept that I continue to need change in me, and giving it over to God is the first place to start.


No matter where you are in your journey, God can bring about change and healing if you are open to it.

Another Friday passes

Another Friday passed again, and I found myself wondering if there is a way for me to get out of the office and at least drive by the clinic.  To see their faces, to smile and wave, to stay connected.


With the new year stretched out before me I think about the things that happened last year, and what I may face in the future.  Today at church we will have our annual recognition of the Sanctity of Life. We have a lady who will have her anti abortion brochures on a table and passing out little footprint pins. There will be a rally and walk in downtown Portland. This will be a quite recognition around the church, I feel most people still don't know how to handle this subject. I will pray for all of us today, for those facing a unplanned pregnancy, and for those of us who have been there, for those who don't know how to react. 


I guess seeing the announcement of this observance brings me here to all of you, to stand with you and gather strength to know I'm forgiven and I have to continue to be there for others.