No more Fridays...

Well at the end of last week I had the unfortunate experience of being laid off.  But I trust that the right opportunity will come along at the right moment, I just have to be patient. But now I've been relieved of the task of driving past the local abortion clinic each day, and the protesters each week. But this will not stop me from facing the secrets and struggles that come with abortion and the difficult choices around it.


Strangely enough on Sunday I walked into the lobby of the church to find a table supporting the pro-life stand. They had pins of little feet that represented the size of babies feet at ten weeks gestation, and those rubber bracelets with some sort of anti-abortion slogan on them, but back in the corner of the table sat a small stack of books targeting healing for the post-abortion woman.  The table didn't bother me, and I was thankful for that small stack of books on the corner of the table knowing the woman who enthusiastically set up that table, likely had no direct experience of the impact of abortion.  In the bulletin was a flyer requesting your help to stop abortion, but as I sat there during the early part of the service my mind was filled thoughts of what the people who set up that table would say if I stepped forward and shared my story.  I found myself a bit choked up again, but I don't fear judgment from them anymore, but I wonder how much shock would come from that.  Not that I have the nerve to  stand in front of people and talk about this, I couldn't get in front of people and talk about anything with out a massive anxiety attack let alone talk about what it's like to face an abortion and to live with it afterwards. The pastor, one of the elders, their wives and a small number of members of the church are aware of my blog and my story, so I feel that if I spoke out it would only be some of the older members, some of whom have known me since I was a child, that would be left in shock by the information. I also feel that if I did share it could bring this issue home to the people of that church, a great many of the old members who have been at that church for many, many years suffer from being in a Christian bubble with little contact with the outside world.  They do activities and meals, bible studies and services with church friends and don't make friends outside that circle. I believe that as a Christian it is my job to love those outside my church, it's easy to love those with in, they are like family to me, but showing love to people outside of that bubble is how I show others how wonderful it is to have Christ's love as a part of our lives. It's in Christ's love that true healing from abortion is found.


This has made me think about the idea of speaking publicly in churches and maybe someday I will have the strength to do so. For now I continue to share with you here.

Another Friday...

As my day job I'm an account/bookkeeper by trade.  So needless to say these last few weeks have been busy with month end and year end duties that have flooded my brain with numbers, research and piles of paper. Boxing up the previous year and preparing for the next, purging the old and making room for the new.

Things finally died down at the end of this last week and as I took my daily drive to the post office on Friday I focused on them again. This week there was just couple of people, standing at the edge of the driveway.  You didn't really notice them at first and if you didn't drive by every week, you wouldn't have known why they were there. They didn't hold signs, the woman had a few papers and she scurried across the street as I came around the corner toward them. He continued to stand there with his rosary in his hand; it appeared that he was there to pray. This time as I drove past, I said a prayer myself. For the ones in the clinic, the ones there to make a choice, for the babies that would not know this world, for the pain that will follow those choices. 

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I had the opportunity last week to watch a special on MTV that had a panel of three young women discussing the choice of abortion.  Two of the young women had, had an abortion and the third was thinking about having one.  In spite of the words coming out of their mouths the two young woman who were post-abortion, they were both plenty emotional.  They claimed that their choice was for the best, but they had trouble holding it together.  One also claimed to have trouble being around her sister's child, that was something that was difficult.  If she is feeling those kinds of feelings now, then what will she be feeling as time goes by? They provided a hotline number at the end of the program, but everything was based on if it was the right thing at the moment, not about the good of the unborn, or what an abortion would do to the mother after the fact.  The third girl was considering an abortion so she could provide a better life for the child she had recently had.  


I have to ask, if she goes through with it, what will she tell her child about the sibling it will never know? I know that was one of the hardest and things to face for me once it was out, for them to know that there was another.  Did they ever question if I ever thought about aborting either of them, do they blame me for my choice, and do they ever wonder what it would have like to have another sibling? 


I'm thankful that people are starting to have dialog about abortion, even if it's not from a perspective I agree with, at least it has started. I believe that the more open we are about it, the better chance woman will have with choices they make.

New Year

Well the holidays have finally passed and with the onset of the new year brings talk of resolutions and reflection.  I'm not big on resolutions, they just become one of those things that can become failures and I can do enough damage in that area with out setting myself up for more.  


But when it comes to reflection, I'm all over that. When I found myself compelled to start a blog several months ago I never dreamed that it would bring such peace to me. To be able to verbalize the penned up hurts and scars of abortion.  To connect with others who struggle with this issue. Having it open doors with others about the lasting effects of abortion, and help others that would otherwise might have been prone to be judgmental see that the judgement I placed on myself would be damning enough. This has even started conversations about providing ways to help others who question the choice they made find healing too.


So in my reflection, this blog is proving to be one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I can only hope that if you have been reading my blog that it would cause you to seek to be informed and have compassion for those who struggle with post-abortion recovery. If you are post-abortion, or what ever your your demons are, there is healing in a relationship with God, and support when you allow yourself to be open with others.  To know that there is love and grace for all of us. If you are facing a unwanted pregnancy know that their are others that have gone before you who can help,  and this blog is a safe place to ask questions, get support, and I will help anyway I can, just email me.


Thank you for reading, and thank you for joining in my journey. Many blessings to all of you in the new year ahead. May the journey continue...