Daddy's Girl and Boys

When things fractured at home and the life that you knew as normal is gone, you don't realize that the back of your mind is seeking that normalcy in every relationship you are exposed to.

Growing up in a Christian family, doing the church thing, attending a Christian school, having a Dad who was planning on being a minister I was a mix of good girl crossed with the rebellious preachers kid. I was drawn to trouble, but in the back of  my mind a always seem to know better and for the most part did the right thing. In my mind I was "Daddy's little girl", I looked up to my Dad for everything.  Thanks to hanging over the fender of our blue Suburban I understand what a double barrel holly carburetor is and does, I grew up knowing the use for radial arm saws, how to fix things, how a whole Sunday afternoon could be spent playing board games, how to clean smelt, fish, garden and how to decorate a Mother's Day cake from hanging with my Dad. While he was in bible college I loved spending evenings with him in his study/office each of us doing our homework, or if he was going to the college to work or study I would gladly tag along. So every time I had to choose between right or wrong my decision was rooted deeply in if it would be a disappointment to my Dad. Mom was around, but Dad was the one to please.

When it came to guys, the line between being good and going to far was a bit blurred. I was okay with making out in the backseat of a car, but going beyond a bit of exploration was more than I was prepared for. Yes, mom had had "The Talk" with me about becoming a woman, but it left allot of room for interpretation when it came to the boys, more was learned from movies and reading which all came with a distorted idea of what a loving relationship was to look like (remember we are talking the 70's here). 


Attending a small Christian high school in some respects is somewhat like being in a protective bubble which kept us safe from "sin" in the outside world. We we not allowed close contact, no dances, or public displays of affection. (Hence the swats I took from the principal for getting caught behind the chapel kissing a young man after returning from a school function on a Saturday!) But despite their attempts to control a high school full teens with raging hormones, there were plenty of couples and dating going on and I right in the middle of it.

During my sophomore year I dated a senior for a time, and things were pretty serious, at least in my mind. He had car, so was easy for us to do allot together, hanging with our friends, movies, boating on the lake, sneaking onto the closed beach with beer and spending time in the backseat of his car. As things would start getting beyond that level of comfort I could handle, it usually managed to be time to go home and I could maintain what I had concluded as my good girl status.  So I'm sure out of his frustration that relationship cooled, and he ended up transferring out of our school. I stayed in contact with him off and on for a time, during which he dated a girl from his new school that proved to be willing to give him what he was "really" wanting from a girl.  But once that ended he came back around and found me again, and after a few normal dates he pulled into an secluded back road with a pullout and after a time of our usual making out, he forced me to perform oral sex on him using the argument that it's aright, the other girl would do it for him, and if I really loved him....it didn't take much after that to put an end to that relationship. 

That experience started a chain reaction in me when it came to my relationships. I began to associate the love I would receive was equal with what I was willing to do, and I also began to feel shame. Based on the raising I had received, the bible teaching at church and the things that were drilled into me at school, in my head I was becoming one of "those girls". It didn't matter that that one act was forced upon me, it didn't matter that we ended the relationship, I did something that was outside marriage, some that you only heard about the bad girls doing so I couldn't tell anyone, I would be a sinner, I was dirty. 

That school year came to an end, Dad was back living at the house with his girlfriend and I was out in left field somewhere.....struggling with my shame and dealing with a competition for my Dad's time and attention I didn't realize I was having, but when I reflect on it now it was obvious I had begun seeking validation in men. If I wore a little tighter shirt, batted my eyes a bit more, used a coy smile, I could draw the attention of a man pretty easily, and the next few months proved that.