I feel very fortunate to have a loving, caring doctor who shares my faith in God, she has allot of insight I respect and she is not afraid to confront me when I need it, even when I don't want to face it. After sharing my project with her, shedding a load of tears, she looked me in the eye and told me that even though I say I've forgiven myself, she can see that I have done that with my head, but now I have to do that in my heart before I can fully accept any forgiveness. I say I can accept the forgiveness of others, but forgiving myself for this is a whole different story. We all have junk in our closets that we struggle with, may it be abortion or something else it doesn't matter what it is, it's the learning how to cope with it, that's the not so easy part.
So she gave me a shot in my back side and sent me home with some treatment for my over worked adrenals, and a couple of assignments that are going to be the rough part. Look out Kleenex this is going to be a wet one.
This has been my journey, and will continue to be so.
Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest parts of recovery, and I do believe you are in recovery. Forgiveness of ourselves measures up in difficulty to the honesty with ourselves that it takes to get us there in the first place. In being honest with ourselves, or at least in my being honest with myself, when I have had to own my actions and the true affects they have had on the people around me it sometimes takes everything I have. Then, after the smack of that reality, somewhere I have to remember how God sees me?? He forgives me my transgressions not because I deserve it, but because he loves me regardless of them and isn't willing to lose a relationship with me because of them. I am Human and am short sighted, mis-informed and act in defensive behaviors because I am fragile. To love myself any less than the Almighty does means I am telling my God that he doesn't know what he is doing. He doesn't forget, but that doesn't mean he doesn't forgive and he is teaching me slowly that neither should I. I walk through everyday doing the best I can and remembering that I AM LOVED and I must love myself to truely experience a love from above that defies understanding.
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