The deed.

Obviously with two children, he had been previously married.  He had suffered through a rough divorce, which he had fought for custody of his kids and won.  He got married to her due to the fact she was pregnant, but the relationship was wrought with difficulties.  They had a second child, drinking, arrests and after less than five years she began cheating on him and they eventually split. There had been several woman he had been involved with during the year since the divorce was final, but nothing had lasted more than a short time. Looking back, he was as screwed up as I was at that point, searching for love, searching for connection, normalcy.


The news of my pregnancy brought only minimal reaction, and said he would go along with whatever I decided.

~~~~~~~~~~

It had been only six years since the Supreme Court made the decision to legalize abortion, and  the TV seemed to be full of it.  They reported it on the news, and in the papers, it was talked about at school, it was a woman's right, it was her body, it was her choice.  All of this on the heals of the Hippie movement, free love, drugs and a war that had been going badly. I grew up watching the model families on TV, Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, and the new twist of a blended family on The Brady Bunch, but even that held true the family structure. Then as I headed into my teen years watching the late 60's and 70's unfold before me it was all about doing your own thing, and going against that traditional family unit. Living together, independence, personal rights, things I heard, but truly didn't understand. But now as a pregnant teen, all these rights gave me options.  I didn't have to feel guilty to be an unwed mother, I had control over my body, I had choices.


In spite of everything that had happened over the months preceding the pregnancy, the core of me was still Daddy's little girl. All my behavior was all laid to bare, being pregnant was proof of my actions.  Even with Dad's absence, I could feel nothing but guilt and shame regarding my behavior. I would be a disappointment to him, he would have a daughter who was dirty, one who didn't live up to the expectations. The expectation of our family, the church, his expectations for his daughter. 


Abortion, a trip to a legal doctors office, a simple procedure, and back to life as you knew it. A legal solution to the guilt and shame, or inconvenience.  No one has to know, no one has to be disappointed, no one has to take responsibility for their actions. For some it's a way to clear away a traumatic event, a rape, a bad relationship, even at times forced by the guy to cover his part in the situation.   A simple procedure to clear it all away. 


They debate as to when conception is considered a child, when it's a lump of tissue verses a fetus, and I don't begin to know the answers to those questions. But I know that by the time I had missed my monthly cycle I was able to have a positive result on a pregnancy test, which was enough evidence for me that I was carrying a life inside me that was not mine, a life I was not prepared for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I only had  to look in the yellow pages under Abortion to find the local clinic that performed the procedures. I arranged an appointment and drove myself to the office on the scheduled day. I remember the waiting room, white walls,  cold tile floors, walking to the counter, cash payment in advance. Sitting in the waiting area, being ushered into the small room and ask to strip from the waist down, put on a gown, and wait on the table where the procedure would be performed. They explained what was going to happen, I would feel a pinch, there would be a machine suctioning out the tissue that needed to be removed and I would go home, simple enough. Except for the fact that I had never a female exam before, I had never had a male doctor I had never meet before and a couple of nurses in a room with me, looking at me in what were all my private places doing things I had never had done. 


Well upon the insertion of several instruments, what was to be a pinch was a sharp pain, and after a couple more tries, and more sharp pains they said the would be unable to complete the  procedure with out hospitalization, my anatomy was not suited for their type of abortion, I would need to be anesthetized to properly complete the abortion. So with that I dressed and left the facility, assuming I was still pregnant. Little did I know that they had done enough damage that my body aborted the pregnancy at home several days later.