My name is Coral, and I've had an Abortion - Part 2

I know that I have been rather quiet during the past several weeks since being laid off from my job.  I've waded through a mix of emotions from relief for getting out of a stressful job, being slightly depressed over the lay off, to the stress of enduring the interviewing process as I seek a new job. As these few weeks have passed I've tackled the jobs of cleaning out boxes that have been shoved into corners and forgotten, bagging up clothes for donation that no longer fit, out of style or will never be worn again, pulled out books that I started and needed to finish, deep cleaned things that were long over due, spent time with friends, worked on the plans for my summer garden and just took some down time hanging out in my pj's and watching movies all day.


Today I went about a mission locate my book that I used for the abortion class. As I flipped through every book on my book shelves, boxes in the top of my closet, my dust cover cedar chest, and boxes under the bed I had the chance to walk down memory lane. I  found a box of McCall's magazine paper dolls from the 60's and 70's that I played with as a child, a painting I made when I was three (Grandma saved it and after her death, I've saved it too), the guests books from my grandmother and a beloved aunt's funerals. Quilts made by my grandmother and great grandmother, cards and memorabilia from my wedding, my baby shoes and baby shoes and hand crocheted bibs from my two sons. Photo's of the birth of my oldest living son, and a box full of cards and video of the funeral of my stepson. Funeral cards from the losses of loved family and friends over the years; as well as scrapbooks and photos of many good times in my life too. 


As I dug though those treasured things tucked neatly away in the nooks and crannies of my home I'm drawn to thinking about "The Dash".  I'm sure many of you have seen the email that has cycled around in emails over the years or even heard it talked about at funerals, but they talk about what is on a grave stone, they talk about the date of birth and the date of death, and in between is a "dash".  We live in "the dash". We never know what our dash is going to look like as we travel through that time, but we have the choice to decide how others view our dash. We have the choice to decide how we are going to let others affect our dash. Do we want to spend that time hurt, suffering, and angry, resentful, indifferent, bitter, revengeful, impatient, irritable, anxiety ridden, frustrated, disconnected, judgmental, envious, and even jealous? After having made the choice to abort a child, I know I've packed around everyone of these traits at one point or another. I've used them to hide behind, I've used them to hurt others, and I've used them to justify my choice. 


At different times in my life I realized that I was producing traits in my life that I didn't want to be remembered for in that dash, and taking the post abortion class brought that to light even more. I wanted to be able to look through that book and share with you the topics we covered, some of the revelations I made and wisdom I took from the class, but as I riffled though all those memories I remembered thinking that there were things in that book that I had deemed private and some that I  had even feared some one  seeing. As I dug I remember at one point making the choice that I was over the abortion and wanting to put it behind me, so I destroyed the book.  


Now time has proved me wrong, I now wish I still had that book floating around so that I might share it with you. Since I don't have the book at hand, I plan to track down the woman who led the class and see about getting another copy.  I think it will be interesting now, to go through the book again after taking this step to be open about my choice and the fears and emotions that came with that choice. Being open with others about our failures brings a freedom that can not be described.  I don't condone my choice back then, which many others may argue that train of thought, but for me there is no choice anymore.  Abortion is not only ending a life, it forever changes your life and the lives of others around you.

Even after abortion - You are more

As of today, it's been two weeks since I was laid off and even though I don't drive past the clinic ever day anymore, I still find myself thinking about it, the impact of driving past each day, the fact that through God's prompting and that daily image I've been pushed to sit at the computer and share with you what I've been through.  I still find myself drawn to read articles as to what is going on in the world when it comes to abortion, and how they view the woman who have had them. I'm following blogs and groups that are pro-life, and watch how they handle themselves out in the world and if what they have to say is making an impact. How do we make that impact? 


Now that I have my story out there to be read, I have to say what now God? Where do I take this? How do I still continue to impact people with my life? I know God has more for me to say I just have to trust that he will give me the words. So now I prayerfully wait on his prompting.


As I wait, I've been impacted by a song I've been listening to on the radio that say so much about the lies we tell ourselves, that we are not worthy of God's love and grace.  But know that if you are pregnant with an unwanted pregnancy or you've had an abortion it doesn't matter, you are worthy; God will always be there with open arms ready to welcome you home.


You Are More
Lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight


She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.


Christ died on a cross to redeem us from our sins. He is there to reconcile us back to God and restore our soul. Sometimes we don't find that love the first time we seek it, but you have to know that it's there, and not everyone who calls themselves a Christian knows how to show that love and mercy. But we always have to remember that each of us are human, and just like we screw up and get pregnant, and make wrong choices, they screw up and judge when they have no room to judge.  We all have our junk, and your junk is not any worse than mine, it's all junk.  
Scripture teaches me that it's more important that I show mercy to my fellow man than provide sacrifices for myself (Matthew 9:13  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.). 
For me, it's about having that relationship with God and doing my best to show that with my life, to be remade, and sometimes that is a daily challenge.  I am human too and I still have junk I have to work on everyday.