I know that I have been rather quiet during the past several weeks since being laid off from my job. I've waded through a mix of emotions from relief for getting out of a stressful job, being slightly depressed over the lay off, to the stress of enduring the interviewing process as I seek a new job. As these few weeks have passed I've tackled the jobs of cleaning out boxes that have been shoved into corners and forgotten, bagging up clothes for donation that no longer fit, out of style or will never be worn again, pulled out books that I started and needed to finish, deep cleaned things that were long over due, spent time with friends, worked on the plans for my summer garden and just took some down time hanging out in my pj's and watching movies all day.
Today I went about a mission locate my book that I used for the abortion class. As I flipped through every book on my book shelves, boxes in the top of my closet, my dust cover cedar chest, and boxes under the bed I had the chance to walk down memory lane. I found a box of McCall's magazine paper dolls from the 60's and 70's that I played with as a child, a painting I made when I was three (Grandma saved it and after her death, I've saved it too), the guests books from my grandmother and a beloved aunt's funerals. Quilts made by my grandmother and great grandmother, cards and memorabilia from my wedding, my baby shoes and baby shoes and hand crocheted bibs from my two sons. Photo's of the birth of my oldest living son, and a box full of cards and video of the funeral of my stepson. Funeral cards from the losses of loved family and friends over the years; as well as scrapbooks and photos of many good times in my life too.
As I dug though those treasured things tucked neatly away in the nooks and crannies of my home I'm drawn to thinking about "The Dash". I'm sure many of you have seen the email that has cycled around in emails over the years or even heard it talked about at funerals, but they talk about what is on a grave stone, they talk about the date of birth and the date of death, and in between is a "dash". We live in "the dash". We never know what our dash is going to look like as we travel through that time, but we have the choice to decide how others view our dash. We have the choice to decide how we are going to let others affect our dash. Do we want to spend that time hurt, suffering, and angry, resentful, indifferent, bitter, revengeful, impatient, irritable, anxiety ridden, frustrated, disconnected, judgmental, envious, and even jealous? After having made the choice to abort a child, I know I've packed around everyone of these traits at one point or another. I've used them to hide behind, I've used them to hurt others, and I've used them to justify my choice.
At different times in my life I realized that I was producing traits in my life that I didn't want to be remembered for in that dash, and taking the post abortion class brought that to light even more. I wanted to be able to look through that book and share with you the topics we covered, some of the revelations I made and wisdom I took from the class, but as I riffled though all those memories I remembered thinking that there were things in that book that I had deemed private and some that I had even feared some one seeing. As I dug I remember at one point making the choice that I was over the abortion and wanting to put it behind me, so I destroyed the book.
Now time has proved me wrong, I now wish I still had that book floating around so that I might share it with you. Since I don't have the book at hand, I plan to track down the woman who led the class and see about getting another copy. I think it will be interesting now, to go through the book again after taking this step to be open about my choice and the fears and emotions that came with that choice. Being open with others about our failures brings a freedom that can not be described. I don't condone my choice back then, which many others may argue that train of thought, but for me there is no choice anymore. Abortion is not only ending a life, it forever changes your life and the lives of others around you.
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