Anniversary

It's been one year today since my heart was pierced and I was convicted in my soul to start this blog.  I feel blessed for having gone through this journey, and thanks to all of you who have traveled with me. 


Now if abortion comes up as a topic of conversation I'm not stricken with guilt or fear, I'm not afraid to speak up and say yes, I've had an abortion. I still choke up a bit, but now its because I have overwhelming compassion for others who also have experienced abortion and those who are thinking about abortion as an option to their own situations.


I will still take the time to come back here write as things continue to touch my life and I am always overwhelmed to see how far my story continues to travel around the world. But more that just taking the time to reflect on this last year, today something else has touch my life. 


As this anniversary has approached, I've wondered how I would feel, and what I would share with you. Funny enough today my news is the Joy of New Life,  today I learned my youngest son and his new wife are expecting their first child (my first living grandchild, not just a step-grandchild). Today we look to the future of a life that will be showered with love and raised with the knowledge that they are wanted and loved by our family, but more importantly, regardless of where life takes them that they are loved by God.


In nine months we will celebrate with them when this child arrives and I'm sure I will take some time to come here and share it with you.


Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, thank you for following and leaving comments. I had no idea as to where this would go when I started this last year, and continue to pray that my story would encourage others who struggle.

Friday - One year later...

Well it's Friday again, and Sunday will be one year since I began this journey.


Funny how things happen, but today I had the need to go to "that" post office again, and there they stood again. Today I looked for them,  I tried to recognize faces, I wanted to see them there.


After completing my task at the post office I drove right past them, today I smiled and waved.


As I pulled around the corner, my throat choked up, and tears welled up in my eyes. Today I'm thankful for the blessing that those people brought to my life.


Today I can drive by them, no more shame or guilt clouding over me. Today I can truly say I know healing has taken place in my life. I will always regret that choice all those years ago, but I know that I have become the woman I am because of that choice too.


I've realized the importance of letting it out until it stops hurting, giving this pain and grief to God, and asking for that forgiveness, over and over again, until I finally let go and believe that I'm truly forgiven.


If you are out there, still in the grip of that pain and hurt, find help. Know that you can find peace after abortion.


I've sat and watched the television program Grey's Anatomy last two episodes, and they featured one of the doctors making the choice to have an abortion because her need to be a surgeon was more important. They showed her husband with her in the office for the procedure, and then last night they showed them after the fact, hardly speaking to each other until the end of the show, where they both got sick together, which seemed to smooth things over between them, but never address how they felt about the abortion now that it was done. Their choice was not to talk about it. So I get the writers need to show the struggle in the decision to have the abortion, but they did little to address what it does to you later. I can only pray that maybe down the road they will take the next step and show the pain that can fester under the surface and that abortion changes the course of your life, even when you don't realize it.


I've meet some amazing women through this process and have been amazed at the number of women that were already in my life that are affected by our right to "choice”.


In my mind we as survivors are a family, we all know what this is, and how it has touched our lives. Standing together is the only way that we will survive. Know you are loved by all of us and there are more caring people out there then you will ever realize, willing to stand beside you as you step out of the shadows.
I pray that this world will see what this procedure is doing to the women around us, and it brings about change, but for now I pray for the women who are still hiding in the shadows, not ready to face the secret.

Embracing change

It's been some time since I sat down and posted anything and today I find myself full of reflection and feeling the need to log my thoughts.

A year and a half ago my youngest son who was still living at home decided to get married and moved his new wife in with us, and then this last spring my older son and his wife split up, so he moved back home...well this last weekend the older son moved back out, and now the younger son and his wife are preparing to move out in the next few weeks.

It's weird to think about the fact thirty two years ago, a choice made from fear would would set me on a course that would bring me here. Sending off my sons out into a world, grown men, out to make choices on their own, hopefully prepared to make their own mistakes and hopefully learn from them. But knowing that they have God on their side, and mom standing in the wings waiting to help pick up the pieces when thing go wrong.

I've been impressed as a mom, there have been many times they have come to me with the dilemma's of their lives and asked me what my thoughts are, and sometimes they even follow my suggestions.

Now my job will be to pray for them daily as they take steps on their own, know that they are in God's hands and trust that they will do just fine. After starting this process last year, documenting how my abortion affected me, I have moments when I think about how different life would be with one more child to worry over, but I know that he/she is in the comfort of the Lord's care, not to be worried about in this world.

My nest will finally be empty.

am i worthy of god if i had an abortion

"am i worthy of god if i had an abortion"

This statement is a direct "copy and paste" of what someone typed into a search engine and used to find my blog.


I have gone back and looked at the statement over and over again knowing I asked this question of myself many times over the years since my abortion.

"am i worthy of god if i had an abortion"

This question now causes me to choke up, when I told my son what I found, tears welled up in his eyes, and I want to scream "YES!" and hope that you hear me. I want to wrap my arms around you and cry with you, and say it does get better, and have you know that you are not alone.


Know that God never stops loving us, and we are free to go to Him through Jesus, ask His forgiveness with a sincere heart and He will openly accept us back into His Grace. God's love is beyond what we will ever understand.

"am i worthy of god if i had an abortion"

At my church our pastor has been preaching on sin and salvations the last couple of weeks, and it is just more proof to me that I have been forgiven and I am saved inspite of my past sins. These are a few of the scripture he used as he preached. The words are not just mine, but proclaimed over and over in the Bible.


Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is set free from every sin… Acts 13:38-39


For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Romans 3:23


For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. John 3:17


…so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him. Hebrews 9:28


For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes: Romans 1:16


Yes, you can be worthy of God. I pray you see this and believe it.

The Walk

I'm surprised that now several weeks have passed since the walk, and I'm still stuggling with how that day affected me. I sat down after the walk, edited my pictures and then started to work on my post here...well the words would not come, and even now I struggle with the words.


That Saturday I gathered with a small group of friends among a rather large crowd for a cause. Before our walkathon began we gathered with everyone in a area that is an outdoor amphitheater for music, prayer and to hear a couple of stories about why people who where there chose to walk. To hear how abortion touched the lives of those who were asked to speak.


Needless to say this is where the tears came, during the prayer time they said that 95% of the women who see an ultrasound of their baby, keep the baby. That 95% know that the baby exists and stops being a lump of tissue, and becomes a real tangible human.


Of those who spoke was a prominent radio broadcaster who has a nation wide radio show, Lars Larson, for him his wife had an unplanned pregnancy before they were married, and she had to opportunity to abort, but chose life for that child. The child is 21 now and is an active caring adult.

The second speaker was a woman who had actually been to a Pregnancy Resource Center 15 years earlier and her 14 year old son was there with her to walk thanks to the support from the center. Through the resources of PRC she was able to become a college graduate, and is a successful mother of six healthy children.


The more I walk this journey, the more I see how abortion has affected peoples lives. It may all be about us in that moment, but it goes on to affect people way beyond our circle of influence. Hearing others stories makes me seem so small in my struggle, so many others have faced harder choices, struggle more and felt more pain. We are all in this together, and need to continue to support each other. We need to support those who are in those moments, and those who have come though with their scars and still need healing. I pray for those who still suffer in shadows.


Here are a few images from my walk. I will walk again.

Our team of walkers

It's coming

In just a few hours I will be taking another step in my journey. Saturday morning I will gather with a few friends, and head into downtown Portland to raise money for Pregnancy Resource Centers. As I've prepared for this event, I've found a few moments that have choked me up, talking with people and thinking about the young women that this organization will help.

I had a friend who has been following my journey say that she felt I would touch lives on Saturday. I wonder how much it will be my life touched compared to me touching other lives. I've decided to take copies of my first blog post with me (like I did that day on the corner), with the web address to the blog if they want to know more. I want to be prepared for anything that day, so I will have a wad of tissues in my bag as well. This will be the first time I include a few friends in my journey, and that seems to bring about some emotion all its own. It's much easier to go out alone among strangers then it is to face people who know you. The idea of it even now brings out that raw emotion that has plagued me throughout this entire journey.

I'm taking my camera again too, to document this day. I will share it with you when I return.

I want say Thank You to all my readers and everyone who continues to share my story with others, for the heart felt comments have truely touched me. This is the greatest gift of all, to know that maybe others are finding some peace, some common ground, in my story.

I ask for your prayers as I take these steps and if you find it in your heart to help me raise funds for this organization please check out the link listed below. Every $5 donation makes a difference, it doesn’t have to be a monumental amount to help, it all adds up.

Coral's Fundraising Page

Mothers Day

Today I remember my Mother, my Grandmothers who have passed on, and I remember the child I do not know. Praying that someday I will know that child, and have it know that it was loved.

Taking Steps

It's Sunday morning, and I'm up extra early this morning dealing with a nasty sinus infection that is trying to get the better of me. As I sit here bundled up in a blanket I've puttered around on Facebook (which not many of my friends are up at 3:30am), gone over some emails, to do lists and checked my stats here on my blog. All is quiet in the house except for my coughing and nose blowing....so it's not so quiet, but this time of day always allows me time for retrospect; time to be in my own thoughts without the television running or someone asking what's for dinner, or where something is at. This is a much cherished time for me. So as strange as it seems, I don't mind being awake long before the sun comes up, or my family.

A while ago I was told about a fund raising walk that supported Pregnancy Resource Centers (PRC) here in the Portland area, and at that time part of me said this is something I need to do. But as life goes on, I got busy with other stuff.  As the event has been drawing closer, we have had flyers up at church, bulletin inserts and I've even prepared the Powerpoint slide for it, which is shown as part of our announcement time. But the last few days I've felt that tug again that this is something I need to fully support. So I've taken the next step, I've signed up, and I will be preparing to make the two mile walk in less than a couple of weeks.

PRC provide an amazing service for woman who are unsure as to how to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. They offer free pregnancy tests and RN performed ultra sounds, maternity and baby clothes, adoption resources, counseling and many other community resources for woman who are struggling with their choices. They are a non-profit organization that is truly a blessing to each community they are located in, and each life they touch.


As I spent time on the corner with the people around the abortion clinic, they shared with me stories of taking women from that clinic (Planned Parenthood - which I question where the parenthood part comes in) over to the PRC clinic that is only a few blocks away, and through that process saw healthy babies born months later, and lives changed because of it. 


Sometimes all we need in life is a bit of support that everything will be okay.  That doesn't say that bringing a child into the world will be an easy task; no where near in many cases, as easy as it is to get pregnant in the first place. Even in planned pregnancies, difficult times come, sometimes babies are unhealthy and require extra care, we face financial challenges, hits to our pride admitting our actions that brought to that point, but to love a child is a privilege, and regardless of the circumstances behind the pregnancy, a pregnant woman gets the chance to bring a child into the world and have to opportunity to show love. Sometimes she will be the one to provide that love and care for the child and sometimes the biggest act of love will be putting that child up for adoption for someone else to take over, she just has to be given the chance to make that choice. 


Last weekend I had the privilege of meeting a little downs syndrome boy and his grandma at an Easter Egg Hunt. He had to have been around two years old and so full if love and life that he was just a joy to be with.  After a few minutes of taking his picture and talking with his grandmother, he held out his arms to me for me to hold him. He smiled and laughed, and offered the candies he had picked up to me. He accepted me, a total stranger, with love and open arms. Its moment like that that reminds me how precious life is.


So for me, having a resource like PRC in our community is very important and vital service. We will never change every woman's mind to not go through with an abortion, but we have to at least an opportunity to offer them all the choices. To me, that is pro-choice, to have all the options available to you, to not be rushed and to be supported. Even if you have had an abortion, you need support; PRC trained the teacher of the post-abortion class I took. So where ever you are in your life journey, we need places like PRC to help us along the way.


If any of these babbling strikes a cord with you and you have a few dollars to spare, I ask that you sponsor me as I walk on the 14th (use my link below). If nothing else, pray that the dollars raised will be enough to keep the clinics open, and that they continue to be in our communities, and continue to provide vital services to those in need.  

Coral's Fundraising Page

Amazed and in Awe

Today I'm feeling a little guilty, time has passed and I've given little notice to my blog. After going through the process of sharing my story I did find myself exhausted and spent. I've come here and checked my stats from time to time, but the idea of sitting and sharing my thoughts seemed overwhelming and something to be set aside.  But coming back today has stirred my thoughts and emotions. 


As I look across the stats I see over 300 visits to my blog just this month, and from countries far from my little town in Oregon. Just this week I've had visitors from Australia, United Kingdom, Peru, South Africa, India, Netherlands, the Philippines as well as the United States. I can't help be totally amazed at how far this has spread, and the activity it has aroused. I've also been very humbled by the comments and notes that many have left for me.


I know that God has had His hand in all of this, and I can only pray that my story will help others who struggle too. His hand pushed me to write, in spite of the pain and difficulty that came from dragging this all back up. The fact that I have not written in over a month and yet my story is still traveling on (regardless of my neglect) leaves me in awe.


If anyone reading this is struggling with how to cope with the feelings that overwhelm, I'm a true believer in writing things down.  It doesn't matter if you are any good at it or not, it doesn't matter if you make it public or keep it to yourself, but writing down those feeling, acknowledging that pain seems to help bring peace.  Give this struggle to God and know that there are many ways to find healing.  If you have found my blog, than you can find other sites with help; as I've researched Abortion Healing I found more sites than I could look at with resources. So if you are hurting, don't stop looking for help, for strength to keep moving forward, and to find healing.
As I took the time to stop and visit with the people on the corner, I found more resources.  I don't know how easy it is in other countries, but you are always welcome to write to me here.
You can always send a note to coral.facingthesecret@gmail.com if nothing else. I'm no great counselor or doctor, but I can be a friend.  I will always listen, even if I'm half a world away.

The wrong approach to Abortion

This morning I stumbled across a U.S.News article that spoke out against anti-abortionist who has taken to radicalism to make there point. The radicals yell obscenities at the people entering the clinics, make bomb threats, hack websites, on and on. So I have to ask myself are they helping anyone, are they making a difference, or are they making it harder for those who are?


After spending time at the corner next to the clinic last week, I feel frustrated when I hear that people continue to use negative behavior trying to stop a negative behavior. They give everyone a bad name in the process. 


I am thankful for the group that stands on the corner in my community; they are peaceful loving people who want to make change and offer help, and do it with love. I can only pray for those who think being radical about things, to see that what they do is of little help, they need to vote their concerns, write letters to their congressmen, and realize that the people who are entering those clinics (patient or worker) are human too, when did we stop seeing the faces of those we harm. You will not change their minds if you never touch their hearts, and you will never get to their heart if they feel threatened.


It also saddens me when so many of these radical do these things under the blanket of religion. No where in the scriptures I read does it give me the authority to commit harm, mentally or physical, to another human. I am to show love, peace, patience, healing, forgiveness, and always striving for restoration in our relationship with God, regardless of the action (or in the Christian world - Sin); which is what I will continue to strive for.


This morning its gray and raining out side; and that matches my feelings when I read about people who are trying to do the right thing, but got that idea twisted in the execution of it. We speak out against bullies in the schools who bring harm to our children, but sometimes we miss the adult bullies that are out to shame and physically hurt others, using their cause as a immunity card for their behavior.


Time for me to get off my soapbox....like I said, it makes me gray.

New directions thanks to an abortion

After experiencing a day on the corner, I'm finding a renewed feeling about where I'm going with my story.  I learned that the local area is having a walk to raise money for the Pregnancy Resource Centers in our area and I'm prepared to start training to walk in that fund raiser. Also I feel like maybe I could find my voice yet, and that I could publicly speak about it, even if it is only to my own church. 


I've also been given the opportunity to lead a community outreach program and I've been realizing how entangled my need to share my story has taken me deeper into the need to be out in my community making a difference.  To use my story to help motivate others to step out and stand on that corner too; as well as work with organizations to provide counseling for post abortive people and many other areas such has parenting classes, feeding the hungry, assisting the shut-in's, and the list goes on and on. To recognize that becoming a Christian was not a one time event, but a life time of commitment to God and serving others. It's far from warming a seat on the pew each week, or serving only those within the walls of a church. It's banning together with other believers to show love to those outside those walls that will matter the most.


I've worked doing community events as well as events for the benefit of the members at different churches over the years, but now this kind of work seems to have new meaning to me. By standing on that corner, I know what it is to stand out there and show unconditional love, and I know what it means to receive it. It's not about doing something expecting some kind of reward, but it's putting yourself out there for others with no expectation of compensation, and sometimes even acknowledgement.


So sharing my story with all of you who have been reading along has only proven to me more that this journey is far from over.  I don't know if I will go deeper into the fight against abortion, or if I will be lead in a different direction all together, but I'm sure God will show me the way, I'll I have to do is have a willing heart. I also know that everything I do is somehow linked to that abortion if for nothing else; it has made me who I am. 


Some of the signs held on the corner say "I regret my abortion, or Men regret abortion too", but at this point in my life I can say I don't regret my abortion. I regret the loss and not knowing that child, I regret the sin that brought me to that choice, but going through that experience has brought me here. I have learned what it is to forgive and be forgiven. It has given me a soft heart for those who are struggling with choice, it has given me a story to use to encourage others, so when it comes to that, no I don't regret it. I am far from done writing, my journey continues and I hope you continue to be here with me. 


I know abortion will still continue to impact me, I'm sure I'm not done crying about it, but today is not that day; today the sun is out, the sky is amazingly blue and I am heading out to enjoy it knowing God loves me in spite of my screw ups and my faults. I will continue to have moments of failure in my life, and have others fail and disappointment me, but what's important is that we handle it all in love and grace.


Many blessings to each of you. Never be afraid to ask for help, and never be afraid of showing love and kindness to others.


As I stepped onto my front porch I had to run back in a grab my camera and take a shot of the sky to share with you.

A New Friday....

Yesterday morning at 5:30am, I found myself awake, laying in bed with tears streaming down my face. I had the intense realization it was Friday, and with the realization I knew that this would be the day.  The day all my appointments and projects were put on hold, any random acts of laziness would have to wait. 


This was my day to stand on the corner with the others. Not just drive by, to shield my eyes from them, but to be one of them, to tell my story and to hear theirs. 

~~~~~~~

Upon arriving across the street from the clinic, I climb out of my truck, pull out print outs of my blog and my camera and with coffee in hand I head across the street toward the few that had already gathered. I could feel the lump in my throat growing and the emotion welling up inside me, asking my self all the way there how do I approach these people, how do I explain why I'm there? But as I walked up to the three ladies who were standing on the edge of the driveway I began to choke up and tears were welling in my eyes, and it was with God's grace that they asked me if they could help me. I said "yes, but not the way you think". I was able to share with them how their efforts of standing on that corner caused me to be standing there now. I was able to tell them that I struggled with them standing there; they were hard to look at some days, that some days they made me angry and some days sad. But it was seeing them every week that also caused me to write.


They shared stories of taking a woman to Pregnancy Resource Center four blocks from where we stood, and after having a positive pregnancy test, and with the help of the resource center had her child. Another case a woman was returning after an abortion and appeared to be very ill, and after one of the volunteer too the woman to the hospital they found to find that she had a serious infection as a result from her abortion. One of the men shared with me that one day he was actually on the corner of the post office across the street just praying and  there was a gentleman milling around who seemed to want to say something, so the man I was speaking with asked him if he could help him. In turn the man shared that he had a child of his aborted without having a say in the matter and that even now many years later, he still suffered the loss of it. The man I was speaking with was able to provided resources for counseling for the man. The stranger on the corner was moved by the fact that they were there, just like I have been, he needed someone to hear him, to know that abortion had caused him years of pain. 


They showed me that if I stand on the far side of the north driveway, those in the waiting room upstairs can see us, and if we happen to step onto their property just a little they are more than willing to call the police. There are cameras on all sides of the building and they are continually watching to see that we are not stepping out of line. As we stand there chatting over to coarse of the 2.5 hours I'm there, I watch a unmarked police car circle by several times just keeping an eye on things. Also while we are there by the driveway the mail carrier is entering the law office that in the location below the clinic and she turns and thanks us for being there. I learn that the law office is the building owners and they are as unhappy as the clinic that we are there, they feel threatened that if our being there ever caused the clinic to close or move he would loose his renter, so they make threats and call the police too, even when the group stuck free standing signs in the dirt around a tree in the sidewalk, so that is not allowed either.


These people who stand on that corner provide a resource sheet for anyone who will take it with free clinic resources, information about the link from the pill to breast cancer with alternatives to the pill, post abortion resources, and pregnancy and post natal services. They stand on the corners holding their signs and they pray....and some where in the mix they were praying for me. I talked with both men and woman with willing hearts to do a unselfish work for God, that have a love for others even when they see little results. Today I was one of there results, and it was humbling to me to be thanked so lovingly for coming to the corner and sharing my story.


In the time I am there I see many that won't acknowledge that we are there, some will just say "No, Thank You", and a few were willing to listen even if for just a minute or so. I listened as they share with two different couples, one was willing to take the information offered, and interestingly enough it was the guys that were more interested or at least more polite about listening. One woman came and spoke with us after her appointment with her young daughter and infant son, and one woman was willing to roll down her car window as she left and accept the information, while others were talking on cell phones (which funny enough is against the law here) and would not look up at us. The group told me of stories of getting the thumbs up from some who drive buy, some thumbs down and other finger gestures from the traffic that pass them, but during my visit to the corner there was little acknowledgement that we were there.


Toward the end of the morning I chatted with one of the younger women there, and we talked about what kind of signs would better reach those coming to the clinic, and different approaches that would provide someone visiting the clinic feel safe in approaching us not condemned. They were asking the same questions that I asked as I watched them each week; how do we show hope, love and caring to people who are hurting?

~~~~~~~

Now as I sit here looking back at my experience I'm really glad that I took the time to go and stand on the corner with them. To know what it is like, to see the faces of those going into the clinic, to get to know these dedicated people who use there time and endure the negative comments and gestures to save the lives of unborn babies and offer alternative services for those who come to the clinic. As I spent my time there I started with apprehension, but instead I was amazed to find peace standing there on the corner.


I now look at these dedicated people as friends and people I will pray for as they do their work, and people I will see again because I will be back from time to time to stand with them again.

My new corner friends

My name is Coral, and I've had an Abortion - Part 2

I know that I have been rather quiet during the past several weeks since being laid off from my job.  I've waded through a mix of emotions from relief for getting out of a stressful job, being slightly depressed over the lay off, to the stress of enduring the interviewing process as I seek a new job. As these few weeks have passed I've tackled the jobs of cleaning out boxes that have been shoved into corners and forgotten, bagging up clothes for donation that no longer fit, out of style or will never be worn again, pulled out books that I started and needed to finish, deep cleaned things that were long over due, spent time with friends, worked on the plans for my summer garden and just took some down time hanging out in my pj's and watching movies all day.


Today I went about a mission locate my book that I used for the abortion class. As I flipped through every book on my book shelves, boxes in the top of my closet, my dust cover cedar chest, and boxes under the bed I had the chance to walk down memory lane. I  found a box of McCall's magazine paper dolls from the 60's and 70's that I played with as a child, a painting I made when I was three (Grandma saved it and after her death, I've saved it too), the guests books from my grandmother and a beloved aunt's funerals. Quilts made by my grandmother and great grandmother, cards and memorabilia from my wedding, my baby shoes and baby shoes and hand crocheted bibs from my two sons. Photo's of the birth of my oldest living son, and a box full of cards and video of the funeral of my stepson. Funeral cards from the losses of loved family and friends over the years; as well as scrapbooks and photos of many good times in my life too. 


As I dug though those treasured things tucked neatly away in the nooks and crannies of my home I'm drawn to thinking about "The Dash".  I'm sure many of you have seen the email that has cycled around in emails over the years or even heard it talked about at funerals, but they talk about what is on a grave stone, they talk about the date of birth and the date of death, and in between is a "dash".  We live in "the dash". We never know what our dash is going to look like as we travel through that time, but we have the choice to decide how others view our dash. We have the choice to decide how we are going to let others affect our dash. Do we want to spend that time hurt, suffering, and angry, resentful, indifferent, bitter, revengeful, impatient, irritable, anxiety ridden, frustrated, disconnected, judgmental, envious, and even jealous? After having made the choice to abort a child, I know I've packed around everyone of these traits at one point or another. I've used them to hide behind, I've used them to hurt others, and I've used them to justify my choice. 


At different times in my life I realized that I was producing traits in my life that I didn't want to be remembered for in that dash, and taking the post abortion class brought that to light even more. I wanted to be able to look through that book and share with you the topics we covered, some of the revelations I made and wisdom I took from the class, but as I riffled though all those memories I remembered thinking that there were things in that book that I had deemed private and some that I  had even feared some one  seeing. As I dug I remember at one point making the choice that I was over the abortion and wanting to put it behind me, so I destroyed the book.  


Now time has proved me wrong, I now wish I still had that book floating around so that I might share it with you. Since I don't have the book at hand, I plan to track down the woman who led the class and see about getting another copy.  I think it will be interesting now, to go through the book again after taking this step to be open about my choice and the fears and emotions that came with that choice. Being open with others about our failures brings a freedom that can not be described.  I don't condone my choice back then, which many others may argue that train of thought, but for me there is no choice anymore.  Abortion is not only ending a life, it forever changes your life and the lives of others around you.

Even after abortion - You are more

As of today, it's been two weeks since I was laid off and even though I don't drive past the clinic ever day anymore, I still find myself thinking about it, the impact of driving past each day, the fact that through God's prompting and that daily image I've been pushed to sit at the computer and share with you what I've been through.  I still find myself drawn to read articles as to what is going on in the world when it comes to abortion, and how they view the woman who have had them. I'm following blogs and groups that are pro-life, and watch how they handle themselves out in the world and if what they have to say is making an impact. How do we make that impact? 


Now that I have my story out there to be read, I have to say what now God? Where do I take this? How do I still continue to impact people with my life? I know God has more for me to say I just have to trust that he will give me the words. So now I prayerfully wait on his prompting.


As I wait, I've been impacted by a song I've been listening to on the radio that say so much about the lies we tell ourselves, that we are not worthy of God's love and grace.  But know that if you are pregnant with an unwanted pregnancy or you've had an abortion it doesn't matter, you are worthy; God will always be there with open arms ready to welcome you home.


You Are More
Lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight


She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.


Christ died on a cross to redeem us from our sins. He is there to reconcile us back to God and restore our soul. Sometimes we don't find that love the first time we seek it, but you have to know that it's there, and not everyone who calls themselves a Christian knows how to show that love and mercy. But we always have to remember that each of us are human, and just like we screw up and get pregnant, and make wrong choices, they screw up and judge when they have no room to judge.  We all have our junk, and your junk is not any worse than mine, it's all junk.  
Scripture teaches me that it's more important that I show mercy to my fellow man than provide sacrifices for myself (Matthew 9:13  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.). 
For me, it's about having that relationship with God and doing my best to show that with my life, to be remade, and sometimes that is a daily challenge.  I am human too and I still have junk I have to work on everyday.

No more Fridays...

Well at the end of last week I had the unfortunate experience of being laid off.  But I trust that the right opportunity will come along at the right moment, I just have to be patient. But now I've been relieved of the task of driving past the local abortion clinic each day, and the protesters each week. But this will not stop me from facing the secrets and struggles that come with abortion and the difficult choices around it.


Strangely enough on Sunday I walked into the lobby of the church to find a table supporting the pro-life stand. They had pins of little feet that represented the size of babies feet at ten weeks gestation, and those rubber bracelets with some sort of anti-abortion slogan on them, but back in the corner of the table sat a small stack of books targeting healing for the post-abortion woman.  The table didn't bother me, and I was thankful for that small stack of books on the corner of the table knowing the woman who enthusiastically set up that table, likely had no direct experience of the impact of abortion.  In the bulletin was a flyer requesting your help to stop abortion, but as I sat there during the early part of the service my mind was filled thoughts of what the people who set up that table would say if I stepped forward and shared my story.  I found myself a bit choked up again, but I don't fear judgment from them anymore, but I wonder how much shock would come from that.  Not that I have the nerve to  stand in front of people and talk about this, I couldn't get in front of people and talk about anything with out a massive anxiety attack let alone talk about what it's like to face an abortion and to live with it afterwards. The pastor, one of the elders, their wives and a small number of members of the church are aware of my blog and my story, so I feel that if I spoke out it would only be some of the older members, some of whom have known me since I was a child, that would be left in shock by the information. I also feel that if I did share it could bring this issue home to the people of that church, a great many of the old members who have been at that church for many, many years suffer from being in a Christian bubble with little contact with the outside world.  They do activities and meals, bible studies and services with church friends and don't make friends outside that circle. I believe that as a Christian it is my job to love those outside my church, it's easy to love those with in, they are like family to me, but showing love to people outside of that bubble is how I show others how wonderful it is to have Christ's love as a part of our lives. It's in Christ's love that true healing from abortion is found.


This has made me think about the idea of speaking publicly in churches and maybe someday I will have the strength to do so. For now I continue to share with you here.

Another Friday...

As my day job I'm an account/bookkeeper by trade.  So needless to say these last few weeks have been busy with month end and year end duties that have flooded my brain with numbers, research and piles of paper. Boxing up the previous year and preparing for the next, purging the old and making room for the new.

Things finally died down at the end of this last week and as I took my daily drive to the post office on Friday I focused on them again. This week there was just couple of people, standing at the edge of the driveway.  You didn't really notice them at first and if you didn't drive by every week, you wouldn't have known why they were there. They didn't hold signs, the woman had a few papers and she scurried across the street as I came around the corner toward them. He continued to stand there with his rosary in his hand; it appeared that he was there to pray. This time as I drove past, I said a prayer myself. For the ones in the clinic, the ones there to make a choice, for the babies that would not know this world, for the pain that will follow those choices. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I had the opportunity last week to watch a special on MTV that had a panel of three young women discussing the choice of abortion.  Two of the young women had, had an abortion and the third was thinking about having one.  In spite of the words coming out of their mouths the two young woman who were post-abortion, they were both plenty emotional.  They claimed that their choice was for the best, but they had trouble holding it together.  One also claimed to have trouble being around her sister's child, that was something that was difficult.  If she is feeling those kinds of feelings now, then what will she be feeling as time goes by? They provided a hotline number at the end of the program, but everything was based on if it was the right thing at the moment, not about the good of the unborn, or what an abortion would do to the mother after the fact.  The third girl was considering an abortion so she could provide a better life for the child she had recently had.  


I have to ask, if she goes through with it, what will she tell her child about the sibling it will never know? I know that was one of the hardest and things to face for me once it was out, for them to know that there was another.  Did they ever question if I ever thought about aborting either of them, do they blame me for my choice, and do they ever wonder what it would have like to have another sibling? 


I'm thankful that people are starting to have dialog about abortion, even if it's not from a perspective I agree with, at least it has started. I believe that the more open we are about it, the better chance woman will have with choices they make.

New Year

Well the holidays have finally passed and with the onset of the new year brings talk of resolutions and reflection.  I'm not big on resolutions, they just become one of those things that can become failures and I can do enough damage in that area with out setting myself up for more.  


But when it comes to reflection, I'm all over that. When I found myself compelled to start a blog several months ago I never dreamed that it would bring such peace to me. To be able to verbalize the penned up hurts and scars of abortion.  To connect with others who struggle with this issue. Having it open doors with others about the lasting effects of abortion, and help others that would otherwise might have been prone to be judgmental see that the judgement I placed on myself would be damning enough. This has even started conversations about providing ways to help others who question the choice they made find healing too.


So in my reflection, this blog is proving to be one of the best choices I've made in a long time. I can only hope that if you have been reading my blog that it would cause you to seek to be informed and have compassion for those who struggle with post-abortion recovery. If you are post-abortion, or what ever your your demons are, there is healing in a relationship with God, and support when you allow yourself to be open with others.  To know that there is love and grace for all of us. If you are facing a unwanted pregnancy know that their are others that have gone before you who can help,  and this blog is a safe place to ask questions, get support, and I will help anyway I can, just email me.


Thank you for reading, and thank you for joining in my journey. Many blessings to all of you in the new year ahead. May the journey continue...